Observances for Wednesday 3/18/09

I've noticed a tremendous amount of mispronunciation of the word "our". I hear a lot of people speaking and when they use the word "our" it sounds like this, for example:

"are marketing stragtegy has taken on a fresh and flexible new look"
"we have chosen to not change are logo"

The VP of Marketing at Nationwide can not properly annunciate the word our.

But, I always get ragged on for ignoring the "L" in certain words like Cold or last names such as Wolfe.

Also, I've noticed that I am very unhappy with my job. Let me explain. I am happy with my company - Nationwide is a great place to work. I am happy with my boss - she is totally cool and really lets me self manage. I am unhappy with what it is I do. Here is an outline of my day...

1. Arrive and check email / voicemail
2. Daily meeting
3. Return phone calls / emails
4. Recruit - pound the phones and have the same conversation over and over and over
5. Send any interested / qualified candidates their assessments and then send candidate summary to hiring manager
6. Make more phone calls
7. Plan phone calls for the following day


I am so bored. I am so unchallenged with this line of work. I thought it was just Kforce before, no. It's RECRUITING. I'm tired of it. I need a job that is project based, that will allow me to think and to work and to create things. I'm too left brained to be a recruiter.

But as I look at what defines if you're a right or left brained person - I find almost all of both qualities present in myself. However, when it comes to the work I do, I put too much thought into it to not be considered Left Brained. I once took a personality profile assessment from the book "Strengths Finder" by Tom Rath . I did this when I was in recruiting at Kforce. My number one strength was Context. Second was Harmony. I forget what the other three were. But I can tell you I was completely unique from every other person in that office who took it. Everyone else had their top strengths as Competitiveness and Drive. Well... not me. I need info, I need to solve problems. I simply don't have access to do that in my current line of work.

Being in school will change that, it'll give me the knowledge I need to move into a more analytic field, but what about the present?

What's the Deal with Kids These Days?

As a kid, I would do some things that were out of line... mostly revolved around smoking pot, taking acid, and listening to Marilyn Manson. Yeah, I rebelled. But I would have never even thought about yelling at my parents, doing anything (aside from drugs) that would break the law, or get me suspended from school. I never once thought about yelling at my parents, or disrespecting them in any way. If you want to get technical - perhaps the drug use can count as disrespectful... or the music or the Manson t-shirts I'd wear underneath a sweatshirt to school.

Recently my nephews - who are 14 and 11 have been getting in to some really bad stuff.

The older one is gay (fine) and has a serious attitude problem. He yells at my sister and her (dumb ass) husband and is blatantly disrespectful. His grades have gone to shit.

The younger one - well... he's a bit more of a handful. He's been caught drinking her vodka (it's her own fault for not locking it up, IMO) and smoking her husbands cigars (should lock 'em up!). His attitude is piss poor... they let him listen to SLIPKNOT... I MEAN REALLY?!?!?! I don't think they've ever even taken the time to listen to Slipknot. That is some of the angriest music I've ever heard in my life. I chalk it up to lazy parenting on my sisters behalf.

However, aside from the smoking/drinking/poor choice of music - something of a little more concern is that he's been starting fires in the house and the guest house at their property. Most recently he started a fire at a public park that got out of control and he called 911. Now he is in trouble with the cops... at age 11... for arseny.

The more I think about it the more I have to blame it on my sister. She is a great person - I love her, she's my sister. But she's lazy. Too lazy to lock up their booz... too lazy to go outside and smoke and/or put up their cigaretts/cigars. Too lazy to screen the music that her kids are listening to. Too lazy to enforce a living environment that is centered around what is right. Too naive to realize that her actions with her husband - from the smoking to the spending to the fighting - come across on her kids and their behaviors. I mean what 14 year old's know where to find their mother's dildo?!?!

I am just absolutely furious about the parenting style and the life choices my sister has made (and that's a completely different post). These kids are in a very impressionable time in their lives and she is not contributing to healthy growth.

When I was their age - I made mistakes. But I was certainly not out of control like they are. I had so much respect for my parents that - even though I did drugs - I was very good at not getting caught. I was smart about it... I had no urge to sneak out or get into trouble. I'm not saying I never got caught, but if you look at the ratio of things I've done vs. things I've been caught doing - I have a great record!

Also - with free access to the internet, IM, and text messages - who knows what my nephews are being exposed to. Now, I've been around the internets a few times and I've probably seen it all... I've seen almost every version of fucked up porn, every gruesome death photo, beheadings, videos of kids beating a homeless guy to death, or raping a girl etc... that is available. There is not much that could shock/offend me.

I've seen the crazy ass shows such as Jack Ass and Nitro Circus and the trash that we all can't get enough of called Reality TV. While we may not think much of this as adults who have "seen it all"... what type of influence does this have on kids?

Are the forms of entertainment that I love the most going to be the downfall of the generations to come b/c society is too enthralled by the shocking? The internet in all it's glory is so dangerous for children - children who's parents are too lazy and naive to realize what's really going on with their own kids.

Three's a Crowd

Ever see Vicky Cristina Barcelona? God damn... it was great. Here is a synopsis - in my own words... love - unconventional. That's it. It pretty much outlined relationships that are anything but standard. I loved it so much because I relate to it so much (that and I just wanted to devour Scarlett Johanson). It has also caused me to put a trip to Barcelona on the "bucket list" (yikes have I really fallen into the "bucket list" phenomenon? eeek).

So, after watching this film, and after some trying times dealing with some repetitive drama, I really got to thinking about what LOVE really is. Once I figure(d) that out, I started to think about what really defines LOVE and by what standards does it have to follow.

I tried to think of my own definition of love (the love I'm referring to here is Romantic love, not Platonic love) and I came up with the following:

1. Love is absolutely unconditional.
2. Love is when you KNOW that you would jump off a building after your love if they fell off, hoping you could catch them and save them. Or that if it came to saving your love from a death full of pain and torture and trauma - that you would absolutely take that burden on yourself, because you could never imagine something like that happening to them.
3. Love is ignoring reason.

I wanted to test my knowledge so I took liberty to consult the ever so reliable Wikipedia. According to Wiki - some definitions of Love:

1. Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection and attachment.
2. Lust is the initial passionate sexual desire that promotes mating, and involves the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and estrogen. These effects rarely last more than a few weeks or months. Attraction is the more individualized and romantic desire for a specific candidate for mating, which develops out of lust as commitment to an individual mate forms. Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act in a manner similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. Research has indicated that this stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years.

Wow! What a bunch of fancy crap. Let's dumb it down. Love is the simple phenomenon that can not allow you to live without a specific person. How unfuckingbelievable is that!?!?! It's also a curse.

What if that person you can't live without is simply not able to give you that one thing that most humans deem natural - commitment by means of marriage. It fucking hurts. I sometimes think that there is nothing more that I would want than to marry the man I love more than any other HUMAN on this earth. But for me, I am conflicted. Here is why... I just want more than anything to sleep next to the love of my life, to take care of him when he's unable to do so himself, to cook for him, to give him a child, to support him in whatever he wishes to do.

Now, myself, being a totally NON-RELIGIOUS person - IE there is no inkling of the possibility of the existence of a god in my mind... so marriage would only be a personal (and unfortunately, legal) commitment between myself and my man. But even though you could commit with out being married (which I am wholeheartedly committed to him) I have dreamed of marriage my whole life. And when you find that inseparable bond with someone, it is natural to NEED that promise of commitment.

In Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Penelope Cruz played a fantastically neurotic character named Maria Elana who was in love with Juan Antonio and she said "that only unfulfilled love can be romantic."

I believe that's true. Partially because I have envisioned myself as the woman who will never marry unless it's to the love of her life, and who eventually throws herself from the rooftop in a fit of beautiful romantic passion of never being with the one. But, I also have some close friends who have a beautifully romantic and fitting partner who is so right for them, and they're love is fulfilled, and that just makes me unbelievable happy for them, because I have so much Love for them (platonic, of course hehe).

Well... I fight with myself and I tear my hair out over the MOST PERFECT man. Things are not as I would - and often do - imagine them to be. But I am so lucky to find the most perfect love of my life. And because it is the love of my life - and I would absolutely die for - I accept that our love is most romantic because it can't be fulfilled - and I absolutely can't live without him. So, I keep at it... keep a' truckin' as they say. I realize it's hard to understand for most people. But there are a handful that I am so fortunate to have as my best friends - that understand and completely support me.

<3

For Friends

You find through the trying times who will really stick with you through happy and sad times. I see many things happening in our lives right now, some happy, some trying. I hope that I can offer the support that you offer to me.

I also realize that life is never truly as it seems - people are not perfect. But we achieve a "greatness" by unconditional support of those who we love the most. I feel extremely lucky because I have received it 100%, and I do my best to give it 100%.

Although we are all different, there is one thing that ties us together - a bond and unbreakable connection. Thank you, friends - for supporting me because you know that I am true, and I do what I know to be right in my heart. And I know that you, your ups, downs, struggles, and successes are truly you... and made completely out of your passion for them.

Archives

I used to keep a blog when I had MySpace... but MySpace is a thing of the past with me now. However, the blog served me so well, I saved some of the posts. See below, posts with dates.

Friday, January 13, 2006

flowered ceiling and striped walls Current mood: rejected Category: Writing and Poetry flowers on my ceiling and stripes on my walls. pink and blue and green and white what an ugly scheme wouldn't you say? still ugly to this very day but the inner beauty grows and inside me i know how beautiful it has always been it was rejected by many it was loved by one who knew others would grow to love it too do not reject me, the walls and ceiling say, for one day you will love me and i do ___________________________________________________ Sunday, December 03, 2006 Bumbersticker Philosophy Current mood: contemplative Category: Religion and Philosophy Yesterday I saw a bumbersticker that really made me think... it said: "Imagine a world without God." So I did just that. But let me preface this a little before going in to what I thought about. I grew up in a home where I knew about God. However, we didn't go to church very often, and never prayed before meals (except Holidays... I guess there is a rule that you have to pray before the meal). My Grandfather is a Methodist Preacher, so it was always around, but never practiced. When we did go to church, even as a child, I felt so out of place... it always made me feel uncomfortable to sing, or "raise my hands up to the Lord." So I never did. I sat there, with an awkward look on my face, counting down in my head until it was time to leave. As a highschool kid, I felt even more strange in a Church setting. I can remember taking place in a "true love waits" ceremony at a church my parents made me go to. I "promised" not to have sex before marriage... oops. But when I was doing that, I did it to get them off my back, and I felt so silly up there... b/c in my mind, it does not matter. Some time after that, things got a little rough for the family, my Dad had some issues, and times were tough. He suddenly became "Super Religious Man" like it was his superhero ego or something. He has never moved away from it. Maybe this is who he really is... and good for him. I love him to death, but he can be a little overbearing with his beliefs and with pushing them onto others (mostly me). So this, in a nutshell, tells you my life to date experience with handling religion. "Imagine a world without God" OK, if you insist... A world without God can be approached in two ways: The Positive and The Negative, and there are valid points to each argument which I understand pretty well, or atleast I would like to think so. The Idea of God helps many people get through their lives with a feeling of security that when they are dead, they have some kind of existance past the shell of the body. It also gives them a guideline to daily life, and in turn, probably allows them to lead a satisfying life. It also fills people with moral standards so we are all not being hateful and spiteful to each other, and we don't just go around killing each other all the time (even though it would seem that we do). A faith in God also provides many people comfort for when something bad happens... ie: someone dies and it's tragic, but they claim it was God calling them Home. Or if a family loses their home to a hurricane, they look to God to get them through it... and hey, that is a hard thing to go through, so it makes me feel good that they have that kind of faith. But I often question why people give God all the credit. For example, when a musician wins a grammy, they most often always start off their speach "first and foremost I would like to thank God..." I always wonder why they do not give themselves the credit! But I think it is because they feel that God has given them that talent. Now, A world with without God could have a few bennefits right? I think so... maybe. The main issue I see is all of the killing that has gone on in the name of God... the Holy Wars, Jihad, the Crusades etc... It seems so many have been hurt and killed because they do not believe a certain way. So if God were not present in the world, perhaps we may be at peace. However, you can take that and turn it around to say that the amount of people killed due to a lack of God in society (ie: Communisim and groups of Atheism in such places like China and the Soviet Union [thx to Tice for giving me this to think about ]...) is even greater. Soviet Union is responsible for the deaths of about 61 million.. where as the Crusades were responsible for the deaths of about 9 million http://www.geocities.com/paulntobin/crusades.html and http://www.hawaii.edu/powerkills/COM.ART.HTM All in all, I think our world is better off with God... I am happy that people use the belief in God to better their lives... however, I need proof. I was never able to find it in my home life, never comfortable enough in church and with the rules that religion puts out. But belief in God serves it's purpose in our world... and I have concluded that it is a better place for it. I however, do not think that I will ever be comfortable worshiping any kind of God... perhaps I am too self centered... or maybe too stubborn... but, logically, I can't accept that there is a God... Agnosticism prevails

_______________________________________________________

Friday, September 12, 2008

Quirks Current mood: amused Category: Life You ask me to label this blog into a category? My choices include several options but I narrow it down to few: Blogging Life none Writing/Poetry While the quirky sarcastic asshole inside me wanted to put "none" I decided to go with "life" b/c it's me... it's my life, my ins and outs, daily crazies. I tend to obsess over things, in particular, thoughts. So a couple of thoughts that remain consistent each time I do normal, everyday things in LIFE are the following: - passing someone on a bicycle while I'm driving. As I approach, I always envision the cyclist falling (to the left, mind you) and me smashing into him/her and totally crushing their skull, on accident. Can see it plain as day - every time I enter a public bathroom, I always use the biggest stall. Not because I want to inconvenience a handicapped person, not because I'm claustrophobic - but because inside my head lives a tiny wizard, and at any moment this wizard may crawl out of my ear, wave his little wand, and say that I have to stay in the exact area I am for the rest of my life, and I can invite one other to stay in that area with me to keep me company. So, I go to the biggest stall so we both have enough room to comfortably sleep. - I rush through doorways in fear that I may be smashed by some kind of deadly object from above on the other side of the door. - I run to my car every morning on the way to work, and get in my car ASAP and lock the doors - I do this b/c I envision Zombies waking at dawn from their eternal slumber, and I'd like to have a good head start and already be in my car by the time they show their creepy selves so I can just drive really fast and escape my fate. - along the same lines of fear of zombies - I also think each time I fill up my gas tank about how far into the country I could drive in case the zombies do attack - still with the zombie theme - when I'm running and I think that I can't go any farther and feel I need to stop to catch my breath, the way I push myself harder is to think I'm conditioning myself to outrun these creeps once they do invade (too many zombie flicks, but think of this... will YOU be ready, cause I will) I think that the new Jason Mraz album was written about my life. My dog has a secret intuition of which I haven't figured out yet. I hate the lights to be left on, I hate a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink, I hate crumbs on the stove/counter. I organize my closet by the following: Shelf 1 - All dress and work shirts, then all blazers, then sweaters Shelf 2 - All casual tees, then jackets, then hoodies Shelf 3 - All shorts, then skirts, then dresses, then dress pants I choose Google as my preferred search engine because it just says GOOGLE, has a text box, and a SEARCH button. I like that it's white and not cluttered with a bunch of useless crap to just take up space. I am 28 and still love the space. I'm ok with it. I am a Republican. LOL, some would call that a quirk :) I am disgusted by hair in the sink/tub I pick fleas off my dog and enjoy squishing them between my fingernails and watching their guts pop out. It even makes a little noise. I then wash my hands furiously. ...was that a couple? xoxo

__________________________________________________________

Friday, October 17, 2008

The Pool - Short Story based upon a Dream Category: Dreams and the Supernatural "I think I need to eat more..." the skinny girl said. The fat man next to her interrupts, "Don't be silly, you eat all the time. You're always eating potato chips." "No!" she says, "I need to eat a more nutritionally balanced diet. More vitamins" The skinny girl lies on a gray towel. She's in a bikini that's barely there. It's some sort of light color - perhaps a gray, or light blue. Perhaps even white. She is thin, she does not have a shape to her. There is no definition in her body, no muscle, no curves, her skin serves as a blanket for her skeleton. Her hair is bland and long. Her breasts sit high on her chest and look a bit out of proportion to her small frame. Her hair is in a messy pony tail and her face is a quarter of the way hidden by her large sunglasses with a white frame. I chime in as I can't resist sharing my knowledge of healthy living habits. "Drink Vitamin Water," I tell her."I have plenty in my room." I carry on about antioxidants. She fakes an interest. She turns over on her towel.I get frustrated with her, I want to point out that her lack of gratitude is not welcomed here, and that perhaps she should go away from here. It's not worth it, besides, I don't even know where "here" is. It's overcast. I'm in the pool. The fat man is with me. An elderly couple is in charge of maintaining the pool's cleanliness. The elderly man leans down to speak but I don't know what he's saying. He suddenly becomes clear, "don't be startled," he says. I can't imagine why I would be? It's only an old man! He takes the net to the pool, as if he's compulsively clearing out insects that do not exist. I grab a floating sphere of foam that many just refer to as a "noodle" because who the hell knows their real name. What is this product? Who thought of this product? Well, whomever did, they are a genius! This thing is so multifunctional! You can drape your arms over it and just float, you can sit on it, you can put it between your legs like a carousel horse and float to all corners of the pool. It's even a good gag tool. The "noodle" is a thick almost solid, foam - noodle. Except for a hollowed out center. Think of it as a penis, if only a penis had two holes. This can be used to blow a good amount of water into your mates face - which makes for an easy laugh. Some have even said if you could blow hard enough, it could possibly propel you to the other side of the pool. But I am in no mood for shenanigans with the fat man today. I use the noodle as a reclining floating device. I place it between my legs and recline back allowing it to support my head out of water. I float. I look at the overcast sky and feel a bit of a chill, wishing the sun would peek out from behind the fluffy gray blanket. At this point I wished for a blanket. A soft one, a fluffy one. One to shield me from the cool breeze. I sink down a little further into the water, using that as the only available substitute. The skinny girl is humoring the old man. She is lying on her back, while propping herself up on her elbows. Her left leg is bent at the knee and she gazes over he sunglasses while the old man talks about his wife, and the community pool they've owned for so long. The old main is small, but seems to be in fairly good shape. His pants are dark, and his shirt is light. I can not make out the colors. He talks about his wife and his pool as if they are the same person. He lights up in conversation. The skinny one smiles. The fat man stands at the shallow end of the pool, his arms outstretched on the concrete. He is looking at me, saying something, but his lips are only moving, no sound is coming out. I look at him, I dissect him. Why has he let himself get to that point. Why doesn't he do something about his male mammary glands. Really. They are bigger than mine, and he really puts skinny to shame, even with her perfect breasts that could only be manufactured in an OR. His midsection is large, and his chest and arms are hairy. His shoulder-length curly hair is dark, only I can't make out if it is brown or black. He is sweating even though it's rather cool. I can not stop myself from thinking about all the hair that may be detaching themselves from the follicles and floating in the water. MY water, MY blanket. I am sick. He continues to talk and I continue to wonder what he could possibly be saying. I can tell this behavior is tiring to him, as he pauses frequently to take a breath. He reaches back digging into something I cannot see, from this mystery container, he pulls out a hot dog and starts to eat it. Ketchup falls into the water.The fat man eats very fast, saliva drips from the corners of his mouth into the clear water that has provided me with warmth and comfort. I feel myself growing more disgusted by the second so I sit up from my recline. I am annoyed by this. I was very relaxed and this fat man ruined it. With the noodle still between my legs, I paddle myself over to the old man and the skinny girl. I politely excuse myself into the conversation. I ask the old man to kindly explain to me the methods by which he keeps his pool sanitary for public use. He chuckles. As he chuckles he leans back as if he had a big gut on his body in which to support. I can hear him, "Oh my dear, you need not worry," he smiles, "I have put in years of work into concocting the perfect mix of materials to rid the pool of any dangerous impurities that may exist and threaten our peaceful retreat." His smile and confidence comforts me slightly. "Please tell me more, I feel terribly uncomfortable with the fat man and need to be pacified by the knowledge that as much effort is put into this pool to keep it clean as effort I put into myself to keep clean," I begged. The old man kneels down to my level. "My dear," he says again, "Why do you cause yourself so much anguish?" I take a breath, "this is not anguish! I am merely concerned about sanitation, and would like to be assured that my concerns are wrongly founded." Inside, I feel annoyed. I feel that I have the right to stir the pot, the fat man must be stopped. The old man talks some more, and I can't hear him. I try so hard to hear what he's saying. Frustrated by this, I look down into the water. I see something! All around me are what I can only describe as some kind of substance that has the appearance of a disintegrating pearl. Whatever this material is, it is coming from the bottom of the pool. It starts to disintegrate and break apart even more as it reaches the surface. My only description of the final product here would be one that is rather foul. This substance, this white thick liquid is rushing up to the surface and strongly resembles semen. I try to get away, I swim to another spot in the pool, opposite the fat man. It is everywhere! Suddenly the old man becomes clear again. "It will rid the water of all impurities, my dear." He says this with a grin, a large, eerie grin. For the first time I see in color. I paddle myself towards the fat man to escape the bright green that is coming from the deep end of the pool. I start to panic. The green is overpowering and creates a slight pull, pulling me towards it. A fog raises from the water engulfing me. My lungs are closing, my breath is growing quick and shallow. I gasp and gasp and gasp for air. I quickly paddle towards the fat man but get no where. The fat man laughs. He laughs at my demise as crumbs fall out of his mouth. He smiles at my doomed fate. I gasp for air. As the fog grows thicker it continues to squeeze my lungs. They are closing. My breath is quick, hard, and staggered. The skinny girl backs away from the pool with fear. As I draw my last breaths I see the old man standing over me. He has a grimace on his face and I recall what he told me. As the last breath left my lungs the scenery grew darker and darker. The fog has taken me, the old man has rid his pool of all impurities. That impurity was me.

Overview

Reserved for my everyday observations, dreams, daydreams, angers, frustrations, heartbreaks, feelings of overwhelming emotion, love, fun, laughter. A place where my constant curiosity about life phenomenon can be released. A creative outlet for my incredibly imaginative mind, and my passionate persona.