The Fool in Me

Today I met with my boss to go over my objectives for the last half of the year. Pretty cut and dry, really. I feel really positive about the next six months ahead of me, and talking with her has motivated me to push myself farther, to exceed expectations... to creatively solve the problems that our department is facing, and I'm excited for that.

Aside from that, I'm having a pretty crappy day. I am weighted down by a very heavy mind coupled with really heavy eyelids. I woke up today simply because I'd get fired if I didn't, and I really like my job. I didn't have it together at all this morning, stopped in at the UDF to get a red bull and remembered that I had forgotten my smokes, so I had to buy another pack. But sitting at work this morning, in our teams (empty) corner, I just stared at the monitor with a long article up on screen, to make it appear as if I was studying. But in all actuality, I was throwing a small pity party in my head.

After some online chatting, perhaps a misconstrued idea or two, and breakfast for lunch, I started browsing the blogs, and found one with a quote that punched me square in the face. OK, not really... but it made that impact.

"I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries." -Theodore I. Rubin.

It's me through and through. But everyone can relate to that, I think. Well, maybe not everyone. Only if you're manic. And I really do feel a bit manic... extreme in all of the above traits, being passionate about only a few things, but incredibly passionate, maybe overly passionate.

I feel TOO MUCH. I love too much, I love with everything in me and sometimes that is too much. I often wonder if I am overbearing, smothering. But on contrary, I hate really well, too. I hate with as much passion as I love... luckily I hate less than I love.

I talk too much, I don't often censor.

I take chances, that can be positive, but do I think them through? Probably not... because I often lose.

I do not have any self control and specifically lack self control when it comes to my weakness. I fall every time.

I cry too much. I cry all the time and I am beginning to wonder if there is really something wrong with me. I can just as easily laugh, and go from laughing to crying in the snap of a finger. I often wonder if I am not a "little off" in the head. My mania takes control of my mind at times and I am unable to do much else but try to fake it as best I can.

The fool in me is the mania that overcomes me... the thoughts that go a bit too deep and run amok in my head. The mania I can't control takes over me and I fall to it every time. I'm a moody, unpredictable Fool of a woman.