Something's Gotta Give

"Amanda's an atheist", my mother said to her best friend Debbie when we were in Pittsburgh last year. I do not recall my exact reply, but I remember what my mother said after it. She said "it's not OK, Amanda. You were not raised that way."

She's correct. I was not raised that way. I was raised in a church and with a religious family and a minister for a Grandfather, but I never EVER took it seriously. I have been confused and have basically rejected religion my entire life. I'd go to church, and go through the motions, but never felt at home with it... since about age nine. I became a true agnostic in college, and "officially" have embraced my atheism for about the past year or so.

I have politely told my folks, and they take it personally. Because in their eyes they failed b/c they did not raise me that way. However, I do have my own mind and can choose to believe or not to believe. It does not reflect on my parents or whether or not they raised me to be a lovely woman and a good person.

I feel that they are now in defense mode, and trying to "salvage" me b/c they will not accept it and consistently try and make me feel badly about my decision. For example... invitations to church, all the time. Today we went to Der Dutchman for dinner and Dad says "Why don't you come to church with us tomorrow, your sister and the boys are coming. 10:30." Well shit... a perfectly pleasant evening turned incredibly awkward. Politely I turn to him and say "no thanks".

Tonight they also gave me a copy of a letter my grandfather wrote to me in 1997. In that letter he had mentioned how proud he was of me for "standing up against my peers and for living a Christian lifestyle." What he is referring to is the ceremony I was made to take part in at a church we went to as a teenager. I did the "true love waits" and got the ring and yadda yadda. I can remember feeling like a total asshole standing up in front of the crowd and doing whatever it was I had to do.

...later that year I lost my virginity.

Back to the original point, are they truly naive as to think that I'm misguided in my choices? Because that same logic I can easily throw back on them because I feel they are misguided in their beliefs. I do not try to change their minds. I do not say "Hey pops, lets get day drunk instead of going to church!!"

I think they may be a bit heartbroken. But I can not and will not fake it for their sake, I spent the majority of my adolescent and mid twenties doing that. However, I do struggle with bringing myself to ask them not to invite me to these functions, and to not make me feel guilty for my decision just because they feel as if they did not properly raise me.

I should probably not be struggling with this, but I do respect and love my parents very much, and I do not wish to disappoint them. But something's gotta give...