You're doing WHAT?!?!

As a teen, I danced. I danced for the Movement Center, and was on my high school Drill Team, where I was the proud recipient of First Officer and multiple Spirit awards. After high school, regretfully, I never continued to dance.

In a continuing effort (and sometimes very relaxed effort) to stay in shape, remain healthy, lose weight - I have decided to start dancing again. I have enrolled at Columbus DanceArts Acadamy in Adult courses in Ballet, Jazz, and Hip-Hop... classes start July 13. With that being said, I need to do some work to get back into shape.

Last year I beat my own personal odds and lost 32Lbs. I really could not have felt better or happier than I did last year around March. I was the thinnest I've been since college, and I felt unbelievably fantastic. Over the past year, I've ballooned up 15Lbs and quite frankly, I'm miserable and really unhappy. My energy level has dropped significantly.

Yesterday I decided that this was it... after registering for CDA, I knew that I would need to be in decent shape before dance academy... and I need to remain in shape b/c I really really want to continue dancing and performing. Plus, have you seen the bodies of dancers?!?!?! So, I grabbed the dog, and went to Glacier Ridge park for a run.

About .80 miles into my run, I see another runner about 100 yards away, pushing a stroller. I get closer and it's Cloud. Wow! What a coincidence. We finished the run together, sweating, and laughing at CC... she's so funny. I will never take my dog again, though. I've picked 10 ticks off of her and I am just not dealing with that anymore. We finished our run (with periods of walking) and totaled 2.55 miles.

I feel GREAT, can't wait to do it again; and I can't wait for DANCE!

The Same

Lately I’ve felt incredibly confined, sheltered, bored, and quite frankly… really tired. With the every day routine growing quite mundane in my eyes, I find myself daydreaming and considering something new. I have not built a life for myself, I have built a routine. Sunday through Saturday I find myself walking the same path, saying the same things, doing the same chores, singing the same song.

With my recent trip to Florida, although it was for my grandfather’s funeral, I really got a lot from it. I realized, after chatting with my cousins, that I am missing out on so much. Living in Ohio for the majority of my life, minus a couple of years in Kentucky as a child, I’ve really become to love Columbus, but I’ve also become very bored. I’m also trapped in a life I’ve created for myself, and an unfulfillable love that I can not escape.

My thoughts have been filled with the fantasy of a new land, a new site, a new chore, a new path, and a new song. I really feel, that within two years I can be there… now, where is “there”?

Portland OR
Seatlle WA
Washington DC
Virginia Beach VA
Raleigh NC
Savannah GA
Chicago IL
St Louis MO


How can I get there? What will I do when I –AM- there? I don’t know, but I do know one thing, I’m ready.

It Even Freaks Me Out

I sometimes feel that if I really dedicated my life to it, I could write a pretty fascinating novel. While I have tried in the past, it is difficult for me to organize my thoughts and organize a plot. However, I have written short stories in the past, usually revolving around dreams. So, I figured I’d get some things out on this blog and perhaps allow this to be a record-keeping site, and maybe one day, I will write this terrific novel that will creep everyone out. The sad thing about some of these thoughts is that I usually can’t get them out of my mind, I can’t escape their burden. For example:

“Guess the Muff”
I have been burdened, yet blessed, with a delightfully wrong sense of humor and I sometimes get a kick out of the most perverted things. My latest and greatest is “guess the muff”. Each woman I pass, no matter where I am – the grocery, work, the mall, or even in the bathroom, I can’t help but wonder what her personal grooming habits are. Sorry ladies, don’t think this creepy (I mean, it totally is, but…) but I’ve found myself thinking that a lot! I really really don’t know why I can’t get it out of my head. I mean we’ve got some options here! 1. shaved; 2. trimmed; 3. waxed; 4. bushy. Now, I bet you will not be able to help yourself but to play this game in your head at one point. You don’t have to admit it 

I have blogged other entries below about some bazaar dreams and quirks I have that I’ve yet to “get over”. I’ve still not been able to avoid thinking of fast paced zombies stampeding towards me each dawn as I leave for work, or how far I could drive to escape a potential zombie attach each time I fill up my tank.

I also can not drive over or under a bridge or overpass without the fear of it collapsing.

At the grocery store, I find myself stocking up on the goodies that I feel I could live off of for the rest of my days… usually because there is something in the back of my head that says:

“The Wizard”
Just what if a wizard damned you to your home but with never ending supplies and electricity – stating he will renew your electicity, but could only use those appliances / devices which are active and running this second. Your food would be consistently replaced, but only with that you already have. And you could choose one person to share this damnation with – but who would it be?

My immediate thought is easy, but think of the burden that decision would weigh! When you selfishly choose someone to be with you, trapped in the house for the rest of days, you would probably pick someone you love deeply and enjoy. But what would that do to them?!?! That would take the pleasure of life away from them, and YOU would be the selfish one. What if you were to pick a terrorist, or a tyrant, or a rapist, or a murderer? Take that person out of society, and it would be a better place. So, who would you pick?

I overanalyze everything. I really wish I could just let things be.

I think I'm starting to understand why I'm such a nut, I think it's because my mind is not capable of slowing down and has a hard time keeping to one straight thought pattern. And I think this is driving me crazy.

More to come...

Observances for Wednesday 3/18/09

I've noticed a tremendous amount of mispronunciation of the word "our". I hear a lot of people speaking and when they use the word "our" it sounds like this, for example:

"are marketing stragtegy has taken on a fresh and flexible new look"
"we have chosen to not change are logo"

The VP of Marketing at Nationwide can not properly annunciate the word our.

But, I always get ragged on for ignoring the "L" in certain words like Cold or last names such as Wolfe.

Also, I've noticed that I am very unhappy with my job. Let me explain. I am happy with my company - Nationwide is a great place to work. I am happy with my boss - she is totally cool and really lets me self manage. I am unhappy with what it is I do. Here is an outline of my day...

1. Arrive and check email / voicemail
2. Daily meeting
3. Return phone calls / emails
4. Recruit - pound the phones and have the same conversation over and over and over
5. Send any interested / qualified candidates their assessments and then send candidate summary to hiring manager
6. Make more phone calls
7. Plan phone calls for the following day


I am so bored. I am so unchallenged with this line of work. I thought it was just Kforce before, no. It's RECRUITING. I'm tired of it. I need a job that is project based, that will allow me to think and to work and to create things. I'm too left brained to be a recruiter.

But as I look at what defines if you're a right or left brained person - I find almost all of both qualities present in myself. However, when it comes to the work I do, I put too much thought into it to not be considered Left Brained. I once took a personality profile assessment from the book "Strengths Finder" by Tom Rath . I did this when I was in recruiting at Kforce. My number one strength was Context. Second was Harmony. I forget what the other three were. But I can tell you I was completely unique from every other person in that office who took it. Everyone else had their top strengths as Competitiveness and Drive. Well... not me. I need info, I need to solve problems. I simply don't have access to do that in my current line of work.

Being in school will change that, it'll give me the knowledge I need to move into a more analytic field, but what about the present?

What's the Deal with Kids These Days?

As a kid, I would do some things that were out of line... mostly revolved around smoking pot, taking acid, and listening to Marilyn Manson. Yeah, I rebelled. But I would have never even thought about yelling at my parents, doing anything (aside from drugs) that would break the law, or get me suspended from school. I never once thought about yelling at my parents, or disrespecting them in any way. If you want to get technical - perhaps the drug use can count as disrespectful... or the music or the Manson t-shirts I'd wear underneath a sweatshirt to school.

Recently my nephews - who are 14 and 11 have been getting in to some really bad stuff.

The older one is gay (fine) and has a serious attitude problem. He yells at my sister and her (dumb ass) husband and is blatantly disrespectful. His grades have gone to shit.

The younger one - well... he's a bit more of a handful. He's been caught drinking her vodka (it's her own fault for not locking it up, IMO) and smoking her husbands cigars (should lock 'em up!). His attitude is piss poor... they let him listen to SLIPKNOT... I MEAN REALLY?!?!?! I don't think they've ever even taken the time to listen to Slipknot. That is some of the angriest music I've ever heard in my life. I chalk it up to lazy parenting on my sisters behalf.

However, aside from the smoking/drinking/poor choice of music - something of a little more concern is that he's been starting fires in the house and the guest house at their property. Most recently he started a fire at a public park that got out of control and he called 911. Now he is in trouble with the cops... at age 11... for arseny.

The more I think about it the more I have to blame it on my sister. She is a great person - I love her, she's my sister. But she's lazy. Too lazy to lock up their booz... too lazy to go outside and smoke and/or put up their cigaretts/cigars. Too lazy to screen the music that her kids are listening to. Too lazy to enforce a living environment that is centered around what is right. Too naive to realize that her actions with her husband - from the smoking to the spending to the fighting - come across on her kids and their behaviors. I mean what 14 year old's know where to find their mother's dildo?!?!

I am just absolutely furious about the parenting style and the life choices my sister has made (and that's a completely different post). These kids are in a very impressionable time in their lives and she is not contributing to healthy growth.

When I was their age - I made mistakes. But I was certainly not out of control like they are. I had so much respect for my parents that - even though I did drugs - I was very good at not getting caught. I was smart about it... I had no urge to sneak out or get into trouble. I'm not saying I never got caught, but if you look at the ratio of things I've done vs. things I've been caught doing - I have a great record!

Also - with free access to the internet, IM, and text messages - who knows what my nephews are being exposed to. Now, I've been around the internets a few times and I've probably seen it all... I've seen almost every version of fucked up porn, every gruesome death photo, beheadings, videos of kids beating a homeless guy to death, or raping a girl etc... that is available. There is not much that could shock/offend me.

I've seen the crazy ass shows such as Jack Ass and Nitro Circus and the trash that we all can't get enough of called Reality TV. While we may not think much of this as adults who have "seen it all"... what type of influence does this have on kids?

Are the forms of entertainment that I love the most going to be the downfall of the generations to come b/c society is too enthralled by the shocking? The internet in all it's glory is so dangerous for children - children who's parents are too lazy and naive to realize what's really going on with their own kids.

Three's a Crowd

Ever see Vicky Cristina Barcelona? God damn... it was great. Here is a synopsis - in my own words... love - unconventional. That's it. It pretty much outlined relationships that are anything but standard. I loved it so much because I relate to it so much (that and I just wanted to devour Scarlett Johanson). It has also caused me to put a trip to Barcelona on the "bucket list" (yikes have I really fallen into the "bucket list" phenomenon? eeek).

So, after watching this film, and after some trying times dealing with some repetitive drama, I really got to thinking about what LOVE really is. Once I figure(d) that out, I started to think about what really defines LOVE and by what standards does it have to follow.

I tried to think of my own definition of love (the love I'm referring to here is Romantic love, not Platonic love) and I came up with the following:

1. Love is absolutely unconditional.
2. Love is when you KNOW that you would jump off a building after your love if they fell off, hoping you could catch them and save them. Or that if it came to saving your love from a death full of pain and torture and trauma - that you would absolutely take that burden on yourself, because you could never imagine something like that happening to them.
3. Love is ignoring reason.

I wanted to test my knowledge so I took liberty to consult the ever so reliable Wikipedia. According to Wiki - some definitions of Love:

1. Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection and attachment.
2. Lust is the initial passionate sexual desire that promotes mating, and involves the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and estrogen. These effects rarely last more than a few weeks or months. Attraction is the more individualized and romantic desire for a specific candidate for mating, which develops out of lust as commitment to an individual mate forms. Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act in a manner similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. Research has indicated that this stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years.

Wow! What a bunch of fancy crap. Let's dumb it down. Love is the simple phenomenon that can not allow you to live without a specific person. How unfuckingbelievable is that!?!?! It's also a curse.

What if that person you can't live without is simply not able to give you that one thing that most humans deem natural - commitment by means of marriage. It fucking hurts. I sometimes think that there is nothing more that I would want than to marry the man I love more than any other HUMAN on this earth. But for me, I am conflicted. Here is why... I just want more than anything to sleep next to the love of my life, to take care of him when he's unable to do so himself, to cook for him, to give him a child, to support him in whatever he wishes to do.

Now, myself, being a totally NON-RELIGIOUS person - IE there is no inkling of the possibility of the existence of a god in my mind... so marriage would only be a personal (and unfortunately, legal) commitment between myself and my man. But even though you could commit with out being married (which I am wholeheartedly committed to him) I have dreamed of marriage my whole life. And when you find that inseparable bond with someone, it is natural to NEED that promise of commitment.

In Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Penelope Cruz played a fantastically neurotic character named Maria Elana who was in love with Juan Antonio and she said "that only unfulfilled love can be romantic."

I believe that's true. Partially because I have envisioned myself as the woman who will never marry unless it's to the love of her life, and who eventually throws herself from the rooftop in a fit of beautiful romantic passion of never being with the one. But, I also have some close friends who have a beautifully romantic and fitting partner who is so right for them, and they're love is fulfilled, and that just makes me unbelievable happy for them, because I have so much Love for them (platonic, of course hehe).

Well... I fight with myself and I tear my hair out over the MOST PERFECT man. Things are not as I would - and often do - imagine them to be. But I am so lucky to find the most perfect love of my life. And because it is the love of my life - and I would absolutely die for - I accept that our love is most romantic because it can't be fulfilled - and I absolutely can't live without him. So, I keep at it... keep a' truckin' as they say. I realize it's hard to understand for most people. But there are a handful that I am so fortunate to have as my best friends - that understand and completely support me.

<3