The Fool in Me

Today I met with my boss to go over my objectives for the last half of the year. Pretty cut and dry, really. I feel really positive about the next six months ahead of me, and talking with her has motivated me to push myself farther, to exceed expectations... to creatively solve the problems that our department is facing, and I'm excited for that.

Aside from that, I'm having a pretty crappy day. I am weighted down by a very heavy mind coupled with really heavy eyelids. I woke up today simply because I'd get fired if I didn't, and I really like my job. I didn't have it together at all this morning, stopped in at the UDF to get a red bull and remembered that I had forgotten my smokes, so I had to buy another pack. But sitting at work this morning, in our teams (empty) corner, I just stared at the monitor with a long article up on screen, to make it appear as if I was studying. But in all actuality, I was throwing a small pity party in my head.

After some online chatting, perhaps a misconstrued idea or two, and breakfast for lunch, I started browsing the blogs, and found one with a quote that punched me square in the face. OK, not really... but it made that impact.

"I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries." -Theodore I. Rubin.

It's me through and through. But everyone can relate to that, I think. Well, maybe not everyone. Only if you're manic. And I really do feel a bit manic... extreme in all of the above traits, being passionate about only a few things, but incredibly passionate, maybe overly passionate.

I feel TOO MUCH. I love too much, I love with everything in me and sometimes that is too much. I often wonder if I am overbearing, smothering. But on contrary, I hate really well, too. I hate with as much passion as I love... luckily I hate less than I love.

I talk too much, I don't often censor.

I take chances, that can be positive, but do I think them through? Probably not... because I often lose.

I do not have any self control and specifically lack self control when it comes to my weakness. I fall every time.

I cry too much. I cry all the time and I am beginning to wonder if there is really something wrong with me. I can just as easily laugh, and go from laughing to crying in the snap of a finger. I often wonder if I am not a "little off" in the head. My mania takes control of my mind at times and I am unable to do much else but try to fake it as best I can.

The fool in me is the mania that overcomes me... the thoughts that go a bit too deep and run amok in my head. The mania I can't control takes over me and I fall to it every time. I'm a moody, unpredictable Fool of a woman.

Something's Gotta Give

"Amanda's an atheist", my mother said to her best friend Debbie when we were in Pittsburgh last year. I do not recall my exact reply, but I remember what my mother said after it. She said "it's not OK, Amanda. You were not raised that way."

She's correct. I was not raised that way. I was raised in a church and with a religious family and a minister for a Grandfather, but I never EVER took it seriously. I have been confused and have basically rejected religion my entire life. I'd go to church, and go through the motions, but never felt at home with it... since about age nine. I became a true agnostic in college, and "officially" have embraced my atheism for about the past year or so.

I have politely told my folks, and they take it personally. Because in their eyes they failed b/c they did not raise me that way. However, I do have my own mind and can choose to believe or not to believe. It does not reflect on my parents or whether or not they raised me to be a lovely woman and a good person.

I feel that they are now in defense mode, and trying to "salvage" me b/c they will not accept it and consistently try and make me feel badly about my decision. For example... invitations to church, all the time. Today we went to Der Dutchman for dinner and Dad says "Why don't you come to church with us tomorrow, your sister and the boys are coming. 10:30." Well shit... a perfectly pleasant evening turned incredibly awkward. Politely I turn to him and say "no thanks".

Tonight they also gave me a copy of a letter my grandfather wrote to me in 1997. In that letter he had mentioned how proud he was of me for "standing up against my peers and for living a Christian lifestyle." What he is referring to is the ceremony I was made to take part in at a church we went to as a teenager. I did the "true love waits" and got the ring and yadda yadda. I can remember feeling like a total asshole standing up in front of the crowd and doing whatever it was I had to do.

...later that year I lost my virginity.

Back to the original point, are they truly naive as to think that I'm misguided in my choices? Because that same logic I can easily throw back on them because I feel they are misguided in their beliefs. I do not try to change their minds. I do not say "Hey pops, lets get day drunk instead of going to church!!"

I think they may be a bit heartbroken. But I can not and will not fake it for their sake, I spent the majority of my adolescent and mid twenties doing that. However, I do struggle with bringing myself to ask them not to invite me to these functions, and to not make me feel guilty for my decision just because they feel as if they did not properly raise me.

I should probably not be struggling with this, but I do respect and love my parents very much, and I do not wish to disappoint them. But something's gotta give...

Life and Times with the World's Worst Roommate

Ok, so perhaps she's not the worst roommate to have ever walked the earth, but she's pretty damned close. Let me prefice my experience with roommates starting with College.

My first roommate ever was in college, when I lived in the dorms. She and I got along, and we even got tattoo's together, but her college experience was short lived; she dropped out the first semester and was never seen again. To my benefit, I gained some clothing and a nice mini fridge she left in the dorm room.

My second roommate came as a bit of a surprise. Second semester of Freshman year I am notified I am getting another roomie. I remember the first time I met her... I walked to my room after a floor meeting and I open the door and she is sitting by the window smoking a bowl. Nice. She has nasty nappy greasy hair and three safety pins through her eyebrow. I think she lasted a few weeks.

Sophomore year I roomed with a friend I met the year prior. Everything seemingly went well for the majority of the year until she started sleeping with my boyfriends buddy Sean. Sean was obviously using her for her extra cash and the fact that she'd take him to dinner etc... He even told her not to tell anyone they were sleeping together or he'd stop it. So I opened my big mouth at a party or something... she flipped out on me cuz I "ruined what they had" WTFE. She had a nervous breakdown and moved out on me.

The next year I moved into an apartment with my long time boyfriend, or as we so lovingly put it "the former". That relationship ended late 2005, early 2006. To be honest... that relationship was truly over in 2002. Heh. Man oh man, I cheated for so long with that man... I should have just cut my losses and ended it. Oh well... hind-sight...

I loved living alone. I really enjoy my quiet time, and my personal space. Being able to do what I want in my own place is really appealing to me. When it was suggested to me that Kara was looking for a roommate, I thought that it may be wise to room with her and save some money along the way. I was entirely skeptical, though. I was concerned it would not be quiet and cozy like I like my life to be.

The first year of our co-habitation was great! I had become good friends with her and we would do things together like go to bars, or work out together, cook dinner and watch TV together. I was quite pleased with my decision. But then she must have injested some "evil, spoiled, inconsiderate" potion.

I am not exactly sure when this change took place. It almost seems like it was overnight. It was overnight that she started acting like a complete cunt and overnight that I started becoming incredibly annoyed with her inability to recognize that she lived with someone... and that when living with someone you have have to be considerate of that persons living space too.

I think the true problems started with the $260 electric bill from December of 2008. It was piercing cold that month. In my apartment - there is a utility called "Emergency Heat" it is designed to be used whenever the temperature drops below 40 degrees. Yes - it works. I've lived in these apartments for two years before she invaded my sanctuary. Anyways - she was all upset that our electric bill was so high. She insisted it was b/c of the Emergency Heat - cuz her daddy said so. I told her it was not because of that, that we needed to use it. She protested and protested and I said "Fine". So we used the regular heat. The furnace constantly ran and I was always cold.

One day, I asked her "When the emergency heat is on, the furnace runs for about seven minutes, heats up the apartment, then shuts off until the temp drops again. When it is not on, the furnace constantly runs and is not able to keep up to warm the place. Which do you think is more expensive."

She must not have liked my tone.

From that point on, it was a battle... I'd come home and it would be turned off, I'd turn it on, she'd turn it off again... etc.

I think this is when she really stopped caring about me, and just turned me off and lived in her own little world. I could really put together a laundry list of things she does. She ignores me, will not answer my calls if I have a question about something. Also - she is very inconsiderate of my space and unaware of things I do to help her. For example:

Her toilet overflowed bigtime a few weeks ago, and she was in the shower when it happened, so it literally overflowed for ten minutes and flodded the majority of her room. She hollered for me to help her and I did! Together we soaked up two or three inches of water using all of her towels and most of mine. I made the call to emergency maintenance and also had to deal with her yelling in the background when they said they did not come out to "aid in cleanup". After we cleaned it all up, she put the first load of towels into the laundry, I flipped them when they were done and put in the final load. The next day I got the towels out of the dryer - and rather than folding only my few and putting the rest in a pile on her bed... I folded them for her too.

That night she came home with her friend Nezi from Cincinnati. Kara didn't even aknowledge I had folded her towels yet alone say "thank you". Her friend proceeded to spend the night two nights on our sofa - I had no prior knowledge of this. Not that she needs my permission or anything, but if she has someone staying over I should be aware - specifically if this individual is sleeping in our common area.

For Nezi's last day in town, Kara cooked breakfast for them consisting of eggs and toast and whatever. I know this b/c when I got home from work - there were dirty dishes in the sink - not even rinsed, so there was dried egg on the plates and my good frying pan. I did nothing about this - usually I would have just cleaned it myself but I was pissed, and I think Kara started to expect me to just clean up after her. I left these dishes in the sink until Friday arrived - dishes still there. I was having company and was embarrassed so I cleaned up after her.

The following Tuesday I was shocked to come home to a sparkling clean house! Wow! I am usually the one doing this! I sit on the sofa to relax a bit and I'm watching House Hunters. Around 7:45pm Kara informs me she is "Having the girls over for a dinner party". Well, my thoughts are that it's already quarter till 8...where are these girls. I ask her when they're arriving and she said they all get off at different times so they'll be staggering in. I go to my room and give her the reign of the apartment. Her guests didn't start showing up till 10pm. ON A TUESDAY. Long story short, they were there till after 1am watching movies and eating and drinking... and being very loud. I could have screamed.

My whole irritation with that was she could have given me more notice that there was going to be a houseful of irritating, snoby bitches girls till 1 in the morning when I have to work the next day.

But what really pushed me over the edge was not that she never cleans, or that she is a pig, or that she didn't pay the cable bill for three months and then lied to my face, or that she never says thank you...

I was pushed over the edge on Friday July 3rd. I didn't have huge plans... but the plans I had were exciting to me. I had some beer, and I was going to watch the fireworks on my new, big, HDTV, and then play Luna Online (in which I need a table and mouse to effectively play). I get home and Kara is there with her friend, who was very pregnant. They left at one point and went to dinner - I showered and was drinking a beer and smoking on my patio when my neighbor invited me over for a jello shot. As I was walking over, Kara and Preggo returned. I stayed at Candices a bit, then returned home and they were not in the living room, but in her bedroom. I sit on the sofa, turn on the tele just in time for the fireworks. Kara comes out and says "UM Preggo is sleeping on the sofa cuz she's fat and ugly pregnant and can't sleep in the bed with me" I said "she's going to sleep right now?" she said "Ya."

Well ladi-freakin-da. 10pm on a Friday night and my plans are ruined and I am stuck in my room cuz I'm too nice to say something about it. I did text Kara saying "In the future, please extend me the courtesy of advanced notice if one of your friends is spending the night in our common area." I never got a reply.

That night I deleted her from facebook - and essentially my life. I do not talk to her, and I ignore her like she has done to me. I will not clean up after her any longer. Our lease is up in October.