Dream A Little Dream

I've always been one to have some really strange, off the wall dreams which typically inspire me to write a short story or two. Lately, though, my dreams have been more violent and stressful than ever. So stressful, in fact, that I have been waking up super stiff and sore in my neck, shoulders, and chest. I think it's because I'm so tense during the dream, and I must sleep that way too.

Dreams lately for me have consisted of a few things:

Sex
Violence
Violent Sex
Situations in which I am not in control IE alien / zombie / bacterial invasions
Personal encounters with the unknown IE the universe, certain people

My dreams have been so quick and spastic with absolutely no rhyme or reason to them - I mean, typically dreams are quite chaotic - but usually there is some sort of beginning, middle, and end allowing me to remember them, and sometimes document them. But not lately. Lately it's just flashes in my memory upon wakening and the physical reminders that let me know I just encountered 5 or 6 hours of high stress in a period of time that I should be in relaxation and rejuvenation.

I know that this comes from carrying a lot on my shoulders in terms of stress. Hopefully that will start to fade as time progresses as I've been trying to face and deal with some of the root of my stress rather than ignoring it and hoping it would go away. But it doesn't.

Perhaps the new year will bring me some positive vibes and the courage I need to work through this and move forward. But, that's all just silly superstition.

Frighteningly Accurate

Lately, I have been faced with a lot of internal struggles that have put me into a "lay on the sofa and do nothing when I'm not working" mode. Depression, yes. I have been struggling with my apparent inability to be successful in some of the responsibilities of adulthood, as well as a relationship that has ended up being the best and worst thing that I have in my life, and is forcing me to make a terrifying and painful decision.

I'm also very burned out on what I do for a living. So, in order to change that and move in the direction I would like to go, I applied and interviewed for an entry level analyst in the IT department of my business unit. Well, I didn't get the job. It really shouldn't be a big deal because I have a great job and a great boss and I work for a great company. But it was a bit disheartening. I think mostly because I am dealing with such an internal struggle right now.

I suppose it's time for me to stop living in a make believe world. To stop pretending my biggest problems don't exist, or that they'll disappear.

My life has come to a heartbreaking halt, a realization that things are not getting better, nor progressing, and I am not where I want to be. The upcoming months are going to be really difficult - I have a feeling things are going to come to a screeching halt, my life is going to turn around for either the best or the worse.

I guess at this point I don't really know how to handle things other than writing them down to record where I am. I'm essentially scared to death. But I'm also tired. I'm tired of pretending that life is normal. I am tired of suddenly being slapped in the face with depression in the middle of my work day. I am tired of the tears that sometimes can't even come.

I have never been a believer in horoscopes... never have I read one that really sunk in and that I could relate with. But this morning, a good friend - who also happens to be going through a tough period in her life - sent me our horoscope (since we're both Gemini's), this one is frighteningly accurate and has stirred up these feelings once again:

The Lovers in combination with the Sun: this could mean that you have a choice to make today in your private life. You may have to choose between to friendships or even between two lovers - in either case you are going to have to brace yourself as it's not going to be easy. In fact it's going to be particularly hard, because there is a big conflict raging inside you and because your happiness is at stake. However hard it may be, you do have to do it, don't let the dilemma paralyze you. And, whatever you do, or don't do - don't leave the decision to others! In your professional life, doubts and uncertainty are paralyzing you and preventing you from reacting reasonably to the changes that are taking place. Bearing in mind the influence from Death and the Lovers, you have to accept that this is a rather challenging phase for you. Frustration and disillusionment could take over from your usual optimism - and that would be a bad mistake. Try instead to rekindle your enthusiasm, as this will help you turn around the situation to your advantage.

While I have had a couple of decent days this week - the terror and depression of my life I've carried around with me. The mask I wear is wearing out. Everything is not OK.

I'm looking at a future that will most likely be void of the one thing that matters most to me. I'm frightened and conflicted and generally torn apart - I've never EVER been this sad in my entire life. What other choice do I have though...