Dream A Little Dream

I've always been one to have some really strange, off the wall dreams which typically inspire me to write a short story or two. Lately, though, my dreams have been more violent and stressful than ever. So stressful, in fact, that I have been waking up super stiff and sore in my neck, shoulders, and chest. I think it's because I'm so tense during the dream, and I must sleep that way too.

Dreams lately for me have consisted of a few things:

Sex
Violence
Violent Sex
Situations in which I am not in control IE alien / zombie / bacterial invasions
Personal encounters with the unknown IE the universe, certain people

My dreams have been so quick and spastic with absolutely no rhyme or reason to them - I mean, typically dreams are quite chaotic - but usually there is some sort of beginning, middle, and end allowing me to remember them, and sometimes document them. But not lately. Lately it's just flashes in my memory upon wakening and the physical reminders that let me know I just encountered 5 or 6 hours of high stress in a period of time that I should be in relaxation and rejuvenation.

I know that this comes from carrying a lot on my shoulders in terms of stress. Hopefully that will start to fade as time progresses as I've been trying to face and deal with some of the root of my stress rather than ignoring it and hoping it would go away. But it doesn't.

Perhaps the new year will bring me some positive vibes and the courage I need to work through this and move forward. But, that's all just silly superstition.

Frighteningly Accurate

Lately, I have been faced with a lot of internal struggles that have put me into a "lay on the sofa and do nothing when I'm not working" mode. Depression, yes. I have been struggling with my apparent inability to be successful in some of the responsibilities of adulthood, as well as a relationship that has ended up being the best and worst thing that I have in my life, and is forcing me to make a terrifying and painful decision.

I'm also very burned out on what I do for a living. So, in order to change that and move in the direction I would like to go, I applied and interviewed for an entry level analyst in the IT department of my business unit. Well, I didn't get the job. It really shouldn't be a big deal because I have a great job and a great boss and I work for a great company. But it was a bit disheartening. I think mostly because I am dealing with such an internal struggle right now.

I suppose it's time for me to stop living in a make believe world. To stop pretending my biggest problems don't exist, or that they'll disappear.

My life has come to a heartbreaking halt, a realization that things are not getting better, nor progressing, and I am not where I want to be. The upcoming months are going to be really difficult - I have a feeling things are going to come to a screeching halt, my life is going to turn around for either the best or the worse.

I guess at this point I don't really know how to handle things other than writing them down to record where I am. I'm essentially scared to death. But I'm also tired. I'm tired of pretending that life is normal. I am tired of suddenly being slapped in the face with depression in the middle of my work day. I am tired of the tears that sometimes can't even come.

I have never been a believer in horoscopes... never have I read one that really sunk in and that I could relate with. But this morning, a good friend - who also happens to be going through a tough period in her life - sent me our horoscope (since we're both Gemini's), this one is frighteningly accurate and has stirred up these feelings once again:

The Lovers in combination with the Sun: this could mean that you have a choice to make today in your private life. You may have to choose between to friendships or even between two lovers - in either case you are going to have to brace yourself as it's not going to be easy. In fact it's going to be particularly hard, because there is a big conflict raging inside you and because your happiness is at stake. However hard it may be, you do have to do it, don't let the dilemma paralyze you. And, whatever you do, or don't do - don't leave the decision to others! In your professional life, doubts and uncertainty are paralyzing you and preventing you from reacting reasonably to the changes that are taking place. Bearing in mind the influence from Death and the Lovers, you have to accept that this is a rather challenging phase for you. Frustration and disillusionment could take over from your usual optimism - and that would be a bad mistake. Try instead to rekindle your enthusiasm, as this will help you turn around the situation to your advantage.

While I have had a couple of decent days this week - the terror and depression of my life I've carried around with me. The mask I wear is wearing out. Everything is not OK.

I'm looking at a future that will most likely be void of the one thing that matters most to me. I'm frightened and conflicted and generally torn apart - I've never EVER been this sad in my entire life. What other choice do I have though...

Spiderwebs

I got into my car this morning and noticed a spider had made a web in my driver side mirror. I looked at it for a moment, and thought about the Spider as he / she was building that web. And, I wondered... did the Spider freak out making the web in front of a mirror? What was it thinking when it saw itself making that web?

Speaking of mirrors... I'd love to know how mirrors are made, they have a "How it's Made" episode on that?

I digress...

When my Grandfather was living, he had a special room which included a bulletin board, a chair, and a desk with a computer, printer, and paper, envelops etc; he called it his "Spiderweb", it was a place he would go to write. I've decided to take on the challenge of writing a Novel in November (or the first draft, at least). I have taken on the challenge through nanowrino.org to get my story down. We are talking quantity first, not quality; quantity meaning at least 50,000 words (about 175 pages), and the quality following with editing in December. I don't know if my story is going to be any good, but I'm going to do the best I can to make it happen.

Wish me luck.

Influence

Today sucked. I wanted to get to work early, and get out early. So what do I run in to? A closed freeway and a closed alternate route. I get to work still with sunshine in my eyes, even though I'm late, happy to see that no one is at work yet so who would know if I was late or not? I open up my Lotus Notes to the delightful sight of only five or six new emails... but to my demise I look at the resumes my coordinator pulled for me, and not only were there only SIXTEEN resumes, but almost half of them were two hours away from the territory I was recruiting for. As she wonders on in to work around 10pm, I let her know that I am going to need more quantity and they will need to be geographically closer to "X" location. "OK, sorry" she says. Whatever. I make my calls, and out of the sixteen resumes I get one person to answer the phone and I set the interview.

Lunch:
Geek and Eat today. I eat lunch with my favorite club ever, The Nationwide Gaming Club. What is super cool about this is that I have influenced three people to break out their old Magic cards. We played a four player game at lunch today and it was RAD!! It's the coolest thing to know that I had influence and hyped people up enough to want to dig out old cards that have been collecting dust ever since the incredible spread of the MMO (specifically World of Warcraft) and play a fantastic, strategy based collectible card game. It was exciting to see that my excitement for this game I've played for nearly ten years has inspired others to play again.

Back to work...

A dreadful meeting at 1:15 in which I had to prepare a TON of shit for, I gave myself and hour and fifteen minutes to prep this info but it ended up taking nearly two hours. The stress from holding up the meeting was already a lot to deal with, and then IN the meeting I was bogged down by even MORE stress. I won't waste time on why I was stressed by this meeting or how my workload is unmanageable, but it was a ridiculously tedious process leading up to the meeting and even more tedious in the meeting that by the time I was out I wanted to throw myself out of the seventh floor of my building.

That being said, I was ultra grumpy, wanted to leave, and had to conduct a 4pm interview that was just a complete flop, the guy was a Tool Bag, and I was not focused on the interview anyway and probably should have ended it after five minutes but I gave him the entire 25 just for the hell of it, I guess.

The stress of the day put me in a dreadful mood which resulted in my famous trait of taking things out of proportion, over-analyzing things, and letting it sink into my skin. The consequences of this resulted in some inappropriate and selfish words to a very dear person of great influence in my life; but I am THANKFUL that he happens to be a better person than I am and explained himself, explain what I did wrong and what I should have done, and in turn forgive me.

After leaving work and soaking in the silence of a drive home w/ no radio or phone calls or emails, I get to come home to a smiling face waiting for me. A trip to Walmart for a few booster sets of Magic cards, and a quick game makes it all better.

Now, relaxing at home, reflecting on my faults, and his strengths makes me realize how important and essential it is to have a center of influence in ones life - that influential person not only inspires one to live more, do more, be better - but the also balance you out and constructively make you aware of your faults - and they do this to make you a better person. They do this because they are unselfish, they love, and they are amazing by nature.

I believe the influence of another over someone leads to a ripple effect - influence one to do "X" and then "Y" and "Z" will soon follow.

I hope, at one point, I can provide influence to someone more than just to play a game, but influence them to improve themselves, their abilities, and live a happier life.

The Fool in Me

Today I met with my boss to go over my objectives for the last half of the year. Pretty cut and dry, really. I feel really positive about the next six months ahead of me, and talking with her has motivated me to push myself farther, to exceed expectations... to creatively solve the problems that our department is facing, and I'm excited for that.

Aside from that, I'm having a pretty crappy day. I am weighted down by a very heavy mind coupled with really heavy eyelids. I woke up today simply because I'd get fired if I didn't, and I really like my job. I didn't have it together at all this morning, stopped in at the UDF to get a red bull and remembered that I had forgotten my smokes, so I had to buy another pack. But sitting at work this morning, in our teams (empty) corner, I just stared at the monitor with a long article up on screen, to make it appear as if I was studying. But in all actuality, I was throwing a small pity party in my head.

After some online chatting, perhaps a misconstrued idea or two, and breakfast for lunch, I started browsing the blogs, and found one with a quote that punched me square in the face. OK, not really... but it made that impact.

"I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries." -Theodore I. Rubin.

It's me through and through. But everyone can relate to that, I think. Well, maybe not everyone. Only if you're manic. And I really do feel a bit manic... extreme in all of the above traits, being passionate about only a few things, but incredibly passionate, maybe overly passionate.

I feel TOO MUCH. I love too much, I love with everything in me and sometimes that is too much. I often wonder if I am overbearing, smothering. But on contrary, I hate really well, too. I hate with as much passion as I love... luckily I hate less than I love.

I talk too much, I don't often censor.

I take chances, that can be positive, but do I think them through? Probably not... because I often lose.

I do not have any self control and specifically lack self control when it comes to my weakness. I fall every time.

I cry too much. I cry all the time and I am beginning to wonder if there is really something wrong with me. I can just as easily laugh, and go from laughing to crying in the snap of a finger. I often wonder if I am not a "little off" in the head. My mania takes control of my mind at times and I am unable to do much else but try to fake it as best I can.

The fool in me is the mania that overcomes me... the thoughts that go a bit too deep and run amok in my head. The mania I can't control takes over me and I fall to it every time. I'm a moody, unpredictable Fool of a woman.

Something's Gotta Give

"Amanda's an atheist", my mother said to her best friend Debbie when we were in Pittsburgh last year. I do not recall my exact reply, but I remember what my mother said after it. She said "it's not OK, Amanda. You were not raised that way."

She's correct. I was not raised that way. I was raised in a church and with a religious family and a minister for a Grandfather, but I never EVER took it seriously. I have been confused and have basically rejected religion my entire life. I'd go to church, and go through the motions, but never felt at home with it... since about age nine. I became a true agnostic in college, and "officially" have embraced my atheism for about the past year or so.

I have politely told my folks, and they take it personally. Because in their eyes they failed b/c they did not raise me that way. However, I do have my own mind and can choose to believe or not to believe. It does not reflect on my parents or whether or not they raised me to be a lovely woman and a good person.

I feel that they are now in defense mode, and trying to "salvage" me b/c they will not accept it and consistently try and make me feel badly about my decision. For example... invitations to church, all the time. Today we went to Der Dutchman for dinner and Dad says "Why don't you come to church with us tomorrow, your sister and the boys are coming. 10:30." Well shit... a perfectly pleasant evening turned incredibly awkward. Politely I turn to him and say "no thanks".

Tonight they also gave me a copy of a letter my grandfather wrote to me in 1997. In that letter he had mentioned how proud he was of me for "standing up against my peers and for living a Christian lifestyle." What he is referring to is the ceremony I was made to take part in at a church we went to as a teenager. I did the "true love waits" and got the ring and yadda yadda. I can remember feeling like a total asshole standing up in front of the crowd and doing whatever it was I had to do.

...later that year I lost my virginity.

Back to the original point, are they truly naive as to think that I'm misguided in my choices? Because that same logic I can easily throw back on them because I feel they are misguided in their beliefs. I do not try to change their minds. I do not say "Hey pops, lets get day drunk instead of going to church!!"

I think they may be a bit heartbroken. But I can not and will not fake it for their sake, I spent the majority of my adolescent and mid twenties doing that. However, I do struggle with bringing myself to ask them not to invite me to these functions, and to not make me feel guilty for my decision just because they feel as if they did not properly raise me.

I should probably not be struggling with this, but I do respect and love my parents very much, and I do not wish to disappoint them. But something's gotta give...

Life and Times with the World's Worst Roommate

Ok, so perhaps she's not the worst roommate to have ever walked the earth, but she's pretty damned close. Let me prefice my experience with roommates starting with College.

My first roommate ever was in college, when I lived in the dorms. She and I got along, and we even got tattoo's together, but her college experience was short lived; she dropped out the first semester and was never seen again. To my benefit, I gained some clothing and a nice mini fridge she left in the dorm room.

My second roommate came as a bit of a surprise. Second semester of Freshman year I am notified I am getting another roomie. I remember the first time I met her... I walked to my room after a floor meeting and I open the door and she is sitting by the window smoking a bowl. Nice. She has nasty nappy greasy hair and three safety pins through her eyebrow. I think she lasted a few weeks.

Sophomore year I roomed with a friend I met the year prior. Everything seemingly went well for the majority of the year until she started sleeping with my boyfriends buddy Sean. Sean was obviously using her for her extra cash and the fact that she'd take him to dinner etc... He even told her not to tell anyone they were sleeping together or he'd stop it. So I opened my big mouth at a party or something... she flipped out on me cuz I "ruined what they had" WTFE. She had a nervous breakdown and moved out on me.

The next year I moved into an apartment with my long time boyfriend, or as we so lovingly put it "the former". That relationship ended late 2005, early 2006. To be honest... that relationship was truly over in 2002. Heh. Man oh man, I cheated for so long with that man... I should have just cut my losses and ended it. Oh well... hind-sight...

I loved living alone. I really enjoy my quiet time, and my personal space. Being able to do what I want in my own place is really appealing to me. When it was suggested to me that Kara was looking for a roommate, I thought that it may be wise to room with her and save some money along the way. I was entirely skeptical, though. I was concerned it would not be quiet and cozy like I like my life to be.

The first year of our co-habitation was great! I had become good friends with her and we would do things together like go to bars, or work out together, cook dinner and watch TV together. I was quite pleased with my decision. But then she must have injested some "evil, spoiled, inconsiderate" potion.

I am not exactly sure when this change took place. It almost seems like it was overnight. It was overnight that she started acting like a complete cunt and overnight that I started becoming incredibly annoyed with her inability to recognize that she lived with someone... and that when living with someone you have have to be considerate of that persons living space too.

I think the true problems started with the $260 electric bill from December of 2008. It was piercing cold that month. In my apartment - there is a utility called "Emergency Heat" it is designed to be used whenever the temperature drops below 40 degrees. Yes - it works. I've lived in these apartments for two years before she invaded my sanctuary. Anyways - she was all upset that our electric bill was so high. She insisted it was b/c of the Emergency Heat - cuz her daddy said so. I told her it was not because of that, that we needed to use it. She protested and protested and I said "Fine". So we used the regular heat. The furnace constantly ran and I was always cold.

One day, I asked her "When the emergency heat is on, the furnace runs for about seven minutes, heats up the apartment, then shuts off until the temp drops again. When it is not on, the furnace constantly runs and is not able to keep up to warm the place. Which do you think is more expensive."

She must not have liked my tone.

From that point on, it was a battle... I'd come home and it would be turned off, I'd turn it on, she'd turn it off again... etc.

I think this is when she really stopped caring about me, and just turned me off and lived in her own little world. I could really put together a laundry list of things she does. She ignores me, will not answer my calls if I have a question about something. Also - she is very inconsiderate of my space and unaware of things I do to help her. For example:

Her toilet overflowed bigtime a few weeks ago, and she was in the shower when it happened, so it literally overflowed for ten minutes and flodded the majority of her room. She hollered for me to help her and I did! Together we soaked up two or three inches of water using all of her towels and most of mine. I made the call to emergency maintenance and also had to deal with her yelling in the background when they said they did not come out to "aid in cleanup". After we cleaned it all up, she put the first load of towels into the laundry, I flipped them when they were done and put in the final load. The next day I got the towels out of the dryer - and rather than folding only my few and putting the rest in a pile on her bed... I folded them for her too.

That night she came home with her friend Nezi from Cincinnati. Kara didn't even aknowledge I had folded her towels yet alone say "thank you". Her friend proceeded to spend the night two nights on our sofa - I had no prior knowledge of this. Not that she needs my permission or anything, but if she has someone staying over I should be aware - specifically if this individual is sleeping in our common area.

For Nezi's last day in town, Kara cooked breakfast for them consisting of eggs and toast and whatever. I know this b/c when I got home from work - there were dirty dishes in the sink - not even rinsed, so there was dried egg on the plates and my good frying pan. I did nothing about this - usually I would have just cleaned it myself but I was pissed, and I think Kara started to expect me to just clean up after her. I left these dishes in the sink until Friday arrived - dishes still there. I was having company and was embarrassed so I cleaned up after her.

The following Tuesday I was shocked to come home to a sparkling clean house! Wow! I am usually the one doing this! I sit on the sofa to relax a bit and I'm watching House Hunters. Around 7:45pm Kara informs me she is "Having the girls over for a dinner party". Well, my thoughts are that it's already quarter till 8...where are these girls. I ask her when they're arriving and she said they all get off at different times so they'll be staggering in. I go to my room and give her the reign of the apartment. Her guests didn't start showing up till 10pm. ON A TUESDAY. Long story short, they were there till after 1am watching movies and eating and drinking... and being very loud. I could have screamed.

My whole irritation with that was she could have given me more notice that there was going to be a houseful of irritating, snoby bitches girls till 1 in the morning when I have to work the next day.

But what really pushed me over the edge was not that she never cleans, or that she is a pig, or that she didn't pay the cable bill for three months and then lied to my face, or that she never says thank you...

I was pushed over the edge on Friday July 3rd. I didn't have huge plans... but the plans I had were exciting to me. I had some beer, and I was going to watch the fireworks on my new, big, HDTV, and then play Luna Online (in which I need a table and mouse to effectively play). I get home and Kara is there with her friend, who was very pregnant. They left at one point and went to dinner - I showered and was drinking a beer and smoking on my patio when my neighbor invited me over for a jello shot. As I was walking over, Kara and Preggo returned. I stayed at Candices a bit, then returned home and they were not in the living room, but in her bedroom. I sit on the sofa, turn on the tele just in time for the fireworks. Kara comes out and says "UM Preggo is sleeping on the sofa cuz she's fat and ugly pregnant and can't sleep in the bed with me" I said "she's going to sleep right now?" she said "Ya."

Well ladi-freakin-da. 10pm on a Friday night and my plans are ruined and I am stuck in my room cuz I'm too nice to say something about it. I did text Kara saying "In the future, please extend me the courtesy of advanced notice if one of your friends is spending the night in our common area." I never got a reply.

That night I deleted her from facebook - and essentially my life. I do not talk to her, and I ignore her like she has done to me. I will not clean up after her any longer. Our lease is up in October.

Rabbit Food

I'm essentially on a diet that a rabbit would love. I've been really really shoving greens down my throat. Celery and brocolli, spinach salads, carrots, celery, hummus for flava. I've also been eating a high fiber bar and a yogurt for breakfast each day, and usually a high fiber cereal for dinner, or turkey and swills roll-ups. I know I am going to need more protein soon... but the goal this week is to poop a lot... and boy is the fiber helping!

More to come...

Get Off the Sofa, Fatty!

Three weeks ago I went out with Aaron and Phil for drinks and a movie. I felt so fat and bloated and awful when I was out... I had come from cookout where I ate entirely too much - a hotdog, hamburger, and hard boiled egg, plus a few beers on top of it. That was when I realized how ridiculously lazy I've become and how I have not been conscious of watching what I eat. I felt absolutely miserable, and embarrassed in my own skin. I'm even embarrassed around those I feel most comfortable.

So, I started exercising, would run every now and then. Well... what good is "occasional" exercise if you don't keep up with it, and what good is exercise if you do not watch what you put into your mouth.

But last Wednesday I fell back into binge mode... at work my department had a Bake Off to support raising money for Operation Feed. In this bake-off were all kinds of goodies, brownies, baklava, cheesecake, coffee cake, cookies... I did not want to even go over and participate. But, my colleague came back and stuffed three bite-size brownies in my face and said "here you go!". Of course I could not turn these away! I felt terribly guilty after that.

From that afternoon forward, I decided that enough is enough. I've gained 20lbs since my big weight loss last year and I am just absolutely sick about it. That Wednesday evening, my father offered to take me to dinner - I requested to go to Jason's Deli in Dublin. There I had a salad filled with greens, brocolli, sunflower seeds, turkey, blue cheese crumbles, and oil and vinegar dressing. From there we went to the Grocery where I mapped out a strict diet for myself:

Brocolli
Celery
Turkey & Swiss roll - ups
Fiber One bar
Bananas
60 calorie yogurt
Sugar free, Low fat chocolate pudding - for that undeniable chocolate craving
Wheat crackers and Laughing Cow cheese wedges
Carrots
Hummus
Kashi Cinnamon Harvest cereal
Lite soymilk
Chicken breasts

I have sworn off the following:

Fried foods
Fast foods
White breads - IE bagels, white bread, english muffins etc...
Yellow cheeses

I will eat the following in moderation, and in very small amounts:

White starches - potatoes, rice, etc...
Beef
Pork
Sweets - as a treat or special occasion in small portions.

With my strict start up, I have limited my calories to somewhere around 900-1000 per day. Would like to keep this pattern up for a long time. I typically eat a fruit and a fiber for breakfast; a protein and greens for lunch; a protein, dairy, fiber, greens for dinner.

I am averaging about 80 ounces of water per day.

My exercise routine has increased - I will do a 2-3 mile walk with quick intervals of running to keep my heart rate elevated. I am also doing cardio and core sculpting dance routines, and summer dance class starts in July.

Soon, I will have my measurments and body fat taken and document my bi-weekly changes. I will be watching my weight - but looking more towards inches and reduced body fat as a goal.

You're doing WHAT?!?!

As a teen, I danced. I danced for the Movement Center, and was on my high school Drill Team, where I was the proud recipient of First Officer and multiple Spirit awards. After high school, regretfully, I never continued to dance.

In a continuing effort (and sometimes very relaxed effort) to stay in shape, remain healthy, lose weight - I have decided to start dancing again. I have enrolled at Columbus DanceArts Acadamy in Adult courses in Ballet, Jazz, and Hip-Hop... classes start July 13. With that being said, I need to do some work to get back into shape.

Last year I beat my own personal odds and lost 32Lbs. I really could not have felt better or happier than I did last year around March. I was the thinnest I've been since college, and I felt unbelievably fantastic. Over the past year, I've ballooned up 15Lbs and quite frankly, I'm miserable and really unhappy. My energy level has dropped significantly.

Yesterday I decided that this was it... after registering for CDA, I knew that I would need to be in decent shape before dance academy... and I need to remain in shape b/c I really really want to continue dancing and performing. Plus, have you seen the bodies of dancers?!?!?! So, I grabbed the dog, and went to Glacier Ridge park for a run.

About .80 miles into my run, I see another runner about 100 yards away, pushing a stroller. I get closer and it's Cloud. Wow! What a coincidence. We finished the run together, sweating, and laughing at CC... she's so funny. I will never take my dog again, though. I've picked 10 ticks off of her and I am just not dealing with that anymore. We finished our run (with periods of walking) and totaled 2.55 miles.

I feel GREAT, can't wait to do it again; and I can't wait for DANCE!

The Same

Lately I’ve felt incredibly confined, sheltered, bored, and quite frankly… really tired. With the every day routine growing quite mundane in my eyes, I find myself daydreaming and considering something new. I have not built a life for myself, I have built a routine. Sunday through Saturday I find myself walking the same path, saying the same things, doing the same chores, singing the same song.

With my recent trip to Florida, although it was for my grandfather’s funeral, I really got a lot from it. I realized, after chatting with my cousins, that I am missing out on so much. Living in Ohio for the majority of my life, minus a couple of years in Kentucky as a child, I’ve really become to love Columbus, but I’ve also become very bored. I’m also trapped in a life I’ve created for myself, and an unfulfillable love that I can not escape.

My thoughts have been filled with the fantasy of a new land, a new site, a new chore, a new path, and a new song. I really feel, that within two years I can be there… now, where is “there”?

Portland OR
Seatlle WA
Washington DC
Virginia Beach VA
Raleigh NC
Savannah GA
Chicago IL
St Louis MO


How can I get there? What will I do when I –AM- there? I don’t know, but I do know one thing, I’m ready.

It Even Freaks Me Out

I sometimes feel that if I really dedicated my life to it, I could write a pretty fascinating novel. While I have tried in the past, it is difficult for me to organize my thoughts and organize a plot. However, I have written short stories in the past, usually revolving around dreams. So, I figured I’d get some things out on this blog and perhaps allow this to be a record-keeping site, and maybe one day, I will write this terrific novel that will creep everyone out. The sad thing about some of these thoughts is that I usually can’t get them out of my mind, I can’t escape their burden. For example:

“Guess the Muff”
I have been burdened, yet blessed, with a delightfully wrong sense of humor and I sometimes get a kick out of the most perverted things. My latest and greatest is “guess the muff”. Each woman I pass, no matter where I am – the grocery, work, the mall, or even in the bathroom, I can’t help but wonder what her personal grooming habits are. Sorry ladies, don’t think this creepy (I mean, it totally is, but…) but I’ve found myself thinking that a lot! I really really don’t know why I can’t get it out of my head. I mean we’ve got some options here! 1. shaved; 2. trimmed; 3. waxed; 4. bushy. Now, I bet you will not be able to help yourself but to play this game in your head at one point. You don’t have to admit it 

I have blogged other entries below about some bazaar dreams and quirks I have that I’ve yet to “get over”. I’ve still not been able to avoid thinking of fast paced zombies stampeding towards me each dawn as I leave for work, or how far I could drive to escape a potential zombie attach each time I fill up my tank.

I also can not drive over or under a bridge or overpass without the fear of it collapsing.

At the grocery store, I find myself stocking up on the goodies that I feel I could live off of for the rest of my days… usually because there is something in the back of my head that says:

“The Wizard”
Just what if a wizard damned you to your home but with never ending supplies and electricity – stating he will renew your electicity, but could only use those appliances / devices which are active and running this second. Your food would be consistently replaced, but only with that you already have. And you could choose one person to share this damnation with – but who would it be?

My immediate thought is easy, but think of the burden that decision would weigh! When you selfishly choose someone to be with you, trapped in the house for the rest of days, you would probably pick someone you love deeply and enjoy. But what would that do to them?!?! That would take the pleasure of life away from them, and YOU would be the selfish one. What if you were to pick a terrorist, or a tyrant, or a rapist, or a murderer? Take that person out of society, and it would be a better place. So, who would you pick?

I overanalyze everything. I really wish I could just let things be.

I think I'm starting to understand why I'm such a nut, I think it's because my mind is not capable of slowing down and has a hard time keeping to one straight thought pattern. And I think this is driving me crazy.

More to come...

Observances for Wednesday 3/18/09

I've noticed a tremendous amount of mispronunciation of the word "our". I hear a lot of people speaking and when they use the word "our" it sounds like this, for example:

"are marketing stragtegy has taken on a fresh and flexible new look"
"we have chosen to not change are logo"

The VP of Marketing at Nationwide can not properly annunciate the word our.

But, I always get ragged on for ignoring the "L" in certain words like Cold or last names such as Wolfe.

Also, I've noticed that I am very unhappy with my job. Let me explain. I am happy with my company - Nationwide is a great place to work. I am happy with my boss - she is totally cool and really lets me self manage. I am unhappy with what it is I do. Here is an outline of my day...

1. Arrive and check email / voicemail
2. Daily meeting
3. Return phone calls / emails
4. Recruit - pound the phones and have the same conversation over and over and over
5. Send any interested / qualified candidates their assessments and then send candidate summary to hiring manager
6. Make more phone calls
7. Plan phone calls for the following day


I am so bored. I am so unchallenged with this line of work. I thought it was just Kforce before, no. It's RECRUITING. I'm tired of it. I need a job that is project based, that will allow me to think and to work and to create things. I'm too left brained to be a recruiter.

But as I look at what defines if you're a right or left brained person - I find almost all of both qualities present in myself. However, when it comes to the work I do, I put too much thought into it to not be considered Left Brained. I once took a personality profile assessment from the book "Strengths Finder" by Tom Rath . I did this when I was in recruiting at Kforce. My number one strength was Context. Second was Harmony. I forget what the other three were. But I can tell you I was completely unique from every other person in that office who took it. Everyone else had their top strengths as Competitiveness and Drive. Well... not me. I need info, I need to solve problems. I simply don't have access to do that in my current line of work.

Being in school will change that, it'll give me the knowledge I need to move into a more analytic field, but what about the present?

What's the Deal with Kids These Days?

As a kid, I would do some things that were out of line... mostly revolved around smoking pot, taking acid, and listening to Marilyn Manson. Yeah, I rebelled. But I would have never even thought about yelling at my parents, doing anything (aside from drugs) that would break the law, or get me suspended from school. I never once thought about yelling at my parents, or disrespecting them in any way. If you want to get technical - perhaps the drug use can count as disrespectful... or the music or the Manson t-shirts I'd wear underneath a sweatshirt to school.

Recently my nephews - who are 14 and 11 have been getting in to some really bad stuff.

The older one is gay (fine) and has a serious attitude problem. He yells at my sister and her (dumb ass) husband and is blatantly disrespectful. His grades have gone to shit.

The younger one - well... he's a bit more of a handful. He's been caught drinking her vodka (it's her own fault for not locking it up, IMO) and smoking her husbands cigars (should lock 'em up!). His attitude is piss poor... they let him listen to SLIPKNOT... I MEAN REALLY?!?!?! I don't think they've ever even taken the time to listen to Slipknot. That is some of the angriest music I've ever heard in my life. I chalk it up to lazy parenting on my sisters behalf.

However, aside from the smoking/drinking/poor choice of music - something of a little more concern is that he's been starting fires in the house and the guest house at their property. Most recently he started a fire at a public park that got out of control and he called 911. Now he is in trouble with the cops... at age 11... for arseny.

The more I think about it the more I have to blame it on my sister. She is a great person - I love her, she's my sister. But she's lazy. Too lazy to lock up their booz... too lazy to go outside and smoke and/or put up their cigaretts/cigars. Too lazy to screen the music that her kids are listening to. Too lazy to enforce a living environment that is centered around what is right. Too naive to realize that her actions with her husband - from the smoking to the spending to the fighting - come across on her kids and their behaviors. I mean what 14 year old's know where to find their mother's dildo?!?!

I am just absolutely furious about the parenting style and the life choices my sister has made (and that's a completely different post). These kids are in a very impressionable time in their lives and she is not contributing to healthy growth.

When I was their age - I made mistakes. But I was certainly not out of control like they are. I had so much respect for my parents that - even though I did drugs - I was very good at not getting caught. I was smart about it... I had no urge to sneak out or get into trouble. I'm not saying I never got caught, but if you look at the ratio of things I've done vs. things I've been caught doing - I have a great record!

Also - with free access to the internet, IM, and text messages - who knows what my nephews are being exposed to. Now, I've been around the internets a few times and I've probably seen it all... I've seen almost every version of fucked up porn, every gruesome death photo, beheadings, videos of kids beating a homeless guy to death, or raping a girl etc... that is available. There is not much that could shock/offend me.

I've seen the crazy ass shows such as Jack Ass and Nitro Circus and the trash that we all can't get enough of called Reality TV. While we may not think much of this as adults who have "seen it all"... what type of influence does this have on kids?

Are the forms of entertainment that I love the most going to be the downfall of the generations to come b/c society is too enthralled by the shocking? The internet in all it's glory is so dangerous for children - children who's parents are too lazy and naive to realize what's really going on with their own kids.

Three's a Crowd

Ever see Vicky Cristina Barcelona? God damn... it was great. Here is a synopsis - in my own words... love - unconventional. That's it. It pretty much outlined relationships that are anything but standard. I loved it so much because I relate to it so much (that and I just wanted to devour Scarlett Johanson). It has also caused me to put a trip to Barcelona on the "bucket list" (yikes have I really fallen into the "bucket list" phenomenon? eeek).

So, after watching this film, and after some trying times dealing with some repetitive drama, I really got to thinking about what LOVE really is. Once I figure(d) that out, I started to think about what really defines LOVE and by what standards does it have to follow.

I tried to think of my own definition of love (the love I'm referring to here is Romantic love, not Platonic love) and I came up with the following:

1. Love is absolutely unconditional.
2. Love is when you KNOW that you would jump off a building after your love if they fell off, hoping you could catch them and save them. Or that if it came to saving your love from a death full of pain and torture and trauma - that you would absolutely take that burden on yourself, because you could never imagine something like that happening to them.
3. Love is ignoring reason.

I wanted to test my knowledge so I took liberty to consult the ever so reliable Wikipedia. According to Wiki - some definitions of Love:

1. Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection and attachment.
2. Lust is the initial passionate sexual desire that promotes mating, and involves the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and estrogen. These effects rarely last more than a few weeks or months. Attraction is the more individualized and romantic desire for a specific candidate for mating, which develops out of lust as commitment to an individual mate forms. Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain consistently releases a certain set of chemicals, including pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, which act in a manner similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain's pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. Research has indicated that this stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years.

Wow! What a bunch of fancy crap. Let's dumb it down. Love is the simple phenomenon that can not allow you to live without a specific person. How unfuckingbelievable is that!?!?! It's also a curse.

What if that person you can't live without is simply not able to give you that one thing that most humans deem natural - commitment by means of marriage. It fucking hurts. I sometimes think that there is nothing more that I would want than to marry the man I love more than any other HUMAN on this earth. But for me, I am conflicted. Here is why... I just want more than anything to sleep next to the love of my life, to take care of him when he's unable to do so himself, to cook for him, to give him a child, to support him in whatever he wishes to do.

Now, myself, being a totally NON-RELIGIOUS person - IE there is no inkling of the possibility of the existence of a god in my mind... so marriage would only be a personal (and unfortunately, legal) commitment between myself and my man. But even though you could commit with out being married (which I am wholeheartedly committed to him) I have dreamed of marriage my whole life. And when you find that inseparable bond with someone, it is natural to NEED that promise of commitment.

In Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Penelope Cruz played a fantastically neurotic character named Maria Elana who was in love with Juan Antonio and she said "that only unfulfilled love can be romantic."

I believe that's true. Partially because I have envisioned myself as the woman who will never marry unless it's to the love of her life, and who eventually throws herself from the rooftop in a fit of beautiful romantic passion of never being with the one. But, I also have some close friends who have a beautifully romantic and fitting partner who is so right for them, and they're love is fulfilled, and that just makes me unbelievable happy for them, because I have so much Love for them (platonic, of course hehe).

Well... I fight with myself and I tear my hair out over the MOST PERFECT man. Things are not as I would - and often do - imagine them to be. But I am so lucky to find the most perfect love of my life. And because it is the love of my life - and I would absolutely die for - I accept that our love is most romantic because it can't be fulfilled - and I absolutely can't live without him. So, I keep at it... keep a' truckin' as they say. I realize it's hard to understand for most people. But there are a handful that I am so fortunate to have as my best friends - that understand and completely support me.

<3

For Friends

You find through the trying times who will really stick with you through happy and sad times. I see many things happening in our lives right now, some happy, some trying. I hope that I can offer the support that you offer to me.

I also realize that life is never truly as it seems - people are not perfect. But we achieve a "greatness" by unconditional support of those who we love the most. I feel extremely lucky because I have received it 100%, and I do my best to give it 100%.

Although we are all different, there is one thing that ties us together - a bond and unbreakable connection. Thank you, friends - for supporting me because you know that I am true, and I do what I know to be right in my heart. And I know that you, your ups, downs, struggles, and successes are truly you... and made completely out of your passion for them.

Archives

I used to keep a blog when I had MySpace... but MySpace is a thing of the past with me now. However, the blog served me so well, I saved some of the posts. See below, posts with dates.

Friday, January 13, 2006

flowered ceiling and striped walls Current mood: rejected Category: Writing and Poetry flowers on my ceiling and stripes on my walls. pink and blue and green and white what an ugly scheme wouldn't you say? still ugly to this very day but the inner beauty grows and inside me i know how beautiful it has always been it was rejected by many it was loved by one who knew others would grow to love it too do not reject me, the walls and ceiling say, for one day you will love me and i do ___________________________________________________ Sunday, December 03, 2006 Bumbersticker Philosophy Current mood: contemplative Category: Religion and Philosophy Yesterday I saw a bumbersticker that really made me think... it said: "Imagine a world without God." So I did just that. But let me preface this a little before going in to what I thought about. I grew up in a home where I knew about God. However, we didn't go to church very often, and never prayed before meals (except Holidays... I guess there is a rule that you have to pray before the meal). My Grandfather is a Methodist Preacher, so it was always around, but never practiced. When we did go to church, even as a child, I felt so out of place... it always made me feel uncomfortable to sing, or "raise my hands up to the Lord." So I never did. I sat there, with an awkward look on my face, counting down in my head until it was time to leave. As a highschool kid, I felt even more strange in a Church setting. I can remember taking place in a "true love waits" ceremony at a church my parents made me go to. I "promised" not to have sex before marriage... oops. But when I was doing that, I did it to get them off my back, and I felt so silly up there... b/c in my mind, it does not matter. Some time after that, things got a little rough for the family, my Dad had some issues, and times were tough. He suddenly became "Super Religious Man" like it was his superhero ego or something. He has never moved away from it. Maybe this is who he really is... and good for him. I love him to death, but he can be a little overbearing with his beliefs and with pushing them onto others (mostly me). So this, in a nutshell, tells you my life to date experience with handling religion. "Imagine a world without God" OK, if you insist... A world without God can be approached in two ways: The Positive and The Negative, and there are valid points to each argument which I understand pretty well, or atleast I would like to think so. The Idea of God helps many people get through their lives with a feeling of security that when they are dead, they have some kind of existance past the shell of the body. It also gives them a guideline to daily life, and in turn, probably allows them to lead a satisfying life. It also fills people with moral standards so we are all not being hateful and spiteful to each other, and we don't just go around killing each other all the time (even though it would seem that we do). A faith in God also provides many people comfort for when something bad happens... ie: someone dies and it's tragic, but they claim it was God calling them Home. Or if a family loses their home to a hurricane, they look to God to get them through it... and hey, that is a hard thing to go through, so it makes me feel good that they have that kind of faith. But I often question why people give God all the credit. For example, when a musician wins a grammy, they most often always start off their speach "first and foremost I would like to thank God..." I always wonder why they do not give themselves the credit! But I think it is because they feel that God has given them that talent. Now, A world with without God could have a few bennefits right? I think so... maybe. The main issue I see is all of the killing that has gone on in the name of God... the Holy Wars, Jihad, the Crusades etc... It seems so many have been hurt and killed because they do not believe a certain way. So if God were not present in the world, perhaps we may be at peace. However, you can take that and turn it around to say that the amount of people killed due to a lack of God in society (ie: Communisim and groups of Atheism in such places like China and the Soviet Union [thx to Tice for giving me this to think about ]...) is even greater. Soviet Union is responsible for the deaths of about 61 million.. where as the Crusades were responsible for the deaths of about 9 million http://www.geocities.com/paulntobin/crusades.html and http://www.hawaii.edu/powerkills/COM.ART.HTM All in all, I think our world is better off with God... I am happy that people use the belief in God to better their lives... however, I need proof. I was never able to find it in my home life, never comfortable enough in church and with the rules that religion puts out. But belief in God serves it's purpose in our world... and I have concluded that it is a better place for it. I however, do not think that I will ever be comfortable worshiping any kind of God... perhaps I am too self centered... or maybe too stubborn... but, logically, I can't accept that there is a God... Agnosticism prevails

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Friday, September 12, 2008

Quirks Current mood: amused Category: Life You ask me to label this blog into a category? My choices include several options but I narrow it down to few: Blogging Life none Writing/Poetry While the quirky sarcastic asshole inside me wanted to put "none" I decided to go with "life" b/c it's me... it's my life, my ins and outs, daily crazies. I tend to obsess over things, in particular, thoughts. So a couple of thoughts that remain consistent each time I do normal, everyday things in LIFE are the following: - passing someone on a bicycle while I'm driving. As I approach, I always envision the cyclist falling (to the left, mind you) and me smashing into him/her and totally crushing their skull, on accident. Can see it plain as day - every time I enter a public bathroom, I always use the biggest stall. Not because I want to inconvenience a handicapped person, not because I'm claustrophobic - but because inside my head lives a tiny wizard, and at any moment this wizard may crawl out of my ear, wave his little wand, and say that I have to stay in the exact area I am for the rest of my life, and I can invite one other to stay in that area with me to keep me company. So, I go to the biggest stall so we both have enough room to comfortably sleep. - I rush through doorways in fear that I may be smashed by some kind of deadly object from above on the other side of the door. - I run to my car every morning on the way to work, and get in my car ASAP and lock the doors - I do this b/c I envision Zombies waking at dawn from their eternal slumber, and I'd like to have a good head start and already be in my car by the time they show their creepy selves so I can just drive really fast and escape my fate. - along the same lines of fear of zombies - I also think each time I fill up my gas tank about how far into the country I could drive in case the zombies do attack - still with the zombie theme - when I'm running and I think that I can't go any farther and feel I need to stop to catch my breath, the way I push myself harder is to think I'm conditioning myself to outrun these creeps once they do invade (too many zombie flicks, but think of this... will YOU be ready, cause I will) I think that the new Jason Mraz album was written about my life. My dog has a secret intuition of which I haven't figured out yet. I hate the lights to be left on, I hate a bunch of dirty dishes in the sink, I hate crumbs on the stove/counter. I organize my closet by the following: Shelf 1 - All dress and work shirts, then all blazers, then sweaters Shelf 2 - All casual tees, then jackets, then hoodies Shelf 3 - All shorts, then skirts, then dresses, then dress pants I choose Google as my preferred search engine because it just says GOOGLE, has a text box, and a SEARCH button. I like that it's white and not cluttered with a bunch of useless crap to just take up space. I am 28 and still love the space. I'm ok with it. I am a Republican. LOL, some would call that a quirk :) I am disgusted by hair in the sink/tub I pick fleas off my dog and enjoy squishing them between my fingernails and watching their guts pop out. It even makes a little noise. I then wash my hands furiously. ...was that a couple? xoxo

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Friday, October 17, 2008

The Pool - Short Story based upon a Dream Category: Dreams and the Supernatural "I think I need to eat more..." the skinny girl said. The fat man next to her interrupts, "Don't be silly, you eat all the time. You're always eating potato chips." "No!" she says, "I need to eat a more nutritionally balanced diet. More vitamins" The skinny girl lies on a gray towel. She's in a bikini that's barely there. It's some sort of light color - perhaps a gray, or light blue. Perhaps even white. She is thin, she does not have a shape to her. There is no definition in her body, no muscle, no curves, her skin serves as a blanket for her skeleton. Her hair is bland and long. Her breasts sit high on her chest and look a bit out of proportion to her small frame. Her hair is in a messy pony tail and her face is a quarter of the way hidden by her large sunglasses with a white frame. I chime in as I can't resist sharing my knowledge of healthy living habits. "Drink Vitamin Water," I tell her."I have plenty in my room." I carry on about antioxidants. She fakes an interest. She turns over on her towel.I get frustrated with her, I want to point out that her lack of gratitude is not welcomed here, and that perhaps she should go away from here. It's not worth it, besides, I don't even know where "here" is. It's overcast. I'm in the pool. The fat man is with me. An elderly couple is in charge of maintaining the pool's cleanliness. The elderly man leans down to speak but I don't know what he's saying. He suddenly becomes clear, "don't be startled," he says. I can't imagine why I would be? It's only an old man! He takes the net to the pool, as if he's compulsively clearing out insects that do not exist. I grab a floating sphere of foam that many just refer to as a "noodle" because who the hell knows their real name. What is this product? Who thought of this product? Well, whomever did, they are a genius! This thing is so multifunctional! You can drape your arms over it and just float, you can sit on it, you can put it between your legs like a carousel horse and float to all corners of the pool. It's even a good gag tool. The "noodle" is a thick almost solid, foam - noodle. Except for a hollowed out center. Think of it as a penis, if only a penis had two holes. This can be used to blow a good amount of water into your mates face - which makes for an easy laugh. Some have even said if you could blow hard enough, it could possibly propel you to the other side of the pool. But I am in no mood for shenanigans with the fat man today. I use the noodle as a reclining floating device. I place it between my legs and recline back allowing it to support my head out of water. I float. I look at the overcast sky and feel a bit of a chill, wishing the sun would peek out from behind the fluffy gray blanket. At this point I wished for a blanket. A soft one, a fluffy one. One to shield me from the cool breeze. I sink down a little further into the water, using that as the only available substitute. The skinny girl is humoring the old man. She is lying on her back, while propping herself up on her elbows. Her left leg is bent at the knee and she gazes over he sunglasses while the old man talks about his wife, and the community pool they've owned for so long. The old main is small, but seems to be in fairly good shape. His pants are dark, and his shirt is light. I can not make out the colors. He talks about his wife and his pool as if they are the same person. He lights up in conversation. The skinny one smiles. The fat man stands at the shallow end of the pool, his arms outstretched on the concrete. He is looking at me, saying something, but his lips are only moving, no sound is coming out. I look at him, I dissect him. Why has he let himself get to that point. Why doesn't he do something about his male mammary glands. Really. They are bigger than mine, and he really puts skinny to shame, even with her perfect breasts that could only be manufactured in an OR. His midsection is large, and his chest and arms are hairy. His shoulder-length curly hair is dark, only I can't make out if it is brown or black. He is sweating even though it's rather cool. I can not stop myself from thinking about all the hair that may be detaching themselves from the follicles and floating in the water. MY water, MY blanket. I am sick. He continues to talk and I continue to wonder what he could possibly be saying. I can tell this behavior is tiring to him, as he pauses frequently to take a breath. He reaches back digging into something I cannot see, from this mystery container, he pulls out a hot dog and starts to eat it. Ketchup falls into the water.The fat man eats very fast, saliva drips from the corners of his mouth into the clear water that has provided me with warmth and comfort. I feel myself growing more disgusted by the second so I sit up from my recline. I am annoyed by this. I was very relaxed and this fat man ruined it. With the noodle still between my legs, I paddle myself over to the old man and the skinny girl. I politely excuse myself into the conversation. I ask the old man to kindly explain to me the methods by which he keeps his pool sanitary for public use. He chuckles. As he chuckles he leans back as if he had a big gut on his body in which to support. I can hear him, "Oh my dear, you need not worry," he smiles, "I have put in years of work into concocting the perfect mix of materials to rid the pool of any dangerous impurities that may exist and threaten our peaceful retreat." His smile and confidence comforts me slightly. "Please tell me more, I feel terribly uncomfortable with the fat man and need to be pacified by the knowledge that as much effort is put into this pool to keep it clean as effort I put into myself to keep clean," I begged. The old man kneels down to my level. "My dear," he says again, "Why do you cause yourself so much anguish?" I take a breath, "this is not anguish! I am merely concerned about sanitation, and would like to be assured that my concerns are wrongly founded." Inside, I feel annoyed. I feel that I have the right to stir the pot, the fat man must be stopped. The old man talks some more, and I can't hear him. I try so hard to hear what he's saying. Frustrated by this, I look down into the water. I see something! All around me are what I can only describe as some kind of substance that has the appearance of a disintegrating pearl. Whatever this material is, it is coming from the bottom of the pool. It starts to disintegrate and break apart even more as it reaches the surface. My only description of the final product here would be one that is rather foul. This substance, this white thick liquid is rushing up to the surface and strongly resembles semen. I try to get away, I swim to another spot in the pool, opposite the fat man. It is everywhere! Suddenly the old man becomes clear again. "It will rid the water of all impurities, my dear." He says this with a grin, a large, eerie grin. For the first time I see in color. I paddle myself towards the fat man to escape the bright green that is coming from the deep end of the pool. I start to panic. The green is overpowering and creates a slight pull, pulling me towards it. A fog raises from the water engulfing me. My lungs are closing, my breath is growing quick and shallow. I gasp and gasp and gasp for air. I quickly paddle towards the fat man but get no where. The fat man laughs. He laughs at my demise as crumbs fall out of his mouth. He smiles at my doomed fate. I gasp for air. As the fog grows thicker it continues to squeeze my lungs. They are closing. My breath is quick, hard, and staggered. The skinny girl backs away from the pool with fear. As I draw my last breaths I see the old man standing over me. He has a grimace on his face and I recall what he told me. As the last breath left my lungs the scenery grew darker and darker. The fog has taken me, the old man has rid his pool of all impurities. That impurity was me.

Overview

Reserved for my everyday observations, dreams, daydreams, angers, frustrations, heartbreaks, feelings of overwhelming emotion, love, fun, laughter. A place where my constant curiosity about life phenomenon can be released. A creative outlet for my incredibly imaginative mind, and my passionate persona.